Archive for October, 2014

The synopsis, according to IMDB.com, reads: “A prequel set before the haunting of the Lambert family that reveals how gifted psychic Elise Rainier reluctantly agrees to use her ability to contact the dead in order to help a teenage girl who has been targeted by a dangerous supernatural entity.”

Oh, and once you have finished watching the trailer, be sure to listen to “Tiptoe through the Tulips.”

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Yesterday, my brave friend and I decided to attend The Hill Has Eyes, located in Franklin, Wisconsin, which features five different haunts: Hooded, Failed Escape, Hunger Hollo, Scare Lift, and Carnivore.

I was excited to attend The Hill Has Eyes because I had heard and read several positive reviews, and my interest had been captured when I noticed this haunted attraction had been deemed the “Best Wisconsin Haunt of 2014.”

Hooded

After my brave friend and I had signed our “death warrants” and paid our $29.00 general admission fee, we received a dark hood to place atop our heads while we waited for our haunt to begin. Soon, an incredibly loud man began yelling out our instructions: “Once you round the corner, place the hood over your face with your left hand and grab the rope with your right hand.”

So, we rounded the corner, pulled down our masks, followed a rope, and walked blindly for ten minutes over uneven ground while drill sergeants shouted commands at us.

While I did not feel scared during this haunt, I did become rather frustrated, seeing as two drunk people kept spoiling the walk by shouting out lame jokes and burping loudly. (Remember: when you are at a haunted house, be sure to get a GOOD group!)

Failed Escape/Hunger Hollo

Because the weather was beautiful yesterday, I did enjoy walking along these two haunted trails. We encountered several oddities, including: evil hillbillies, moonshine maniacs, zombies, zombie victims, deranged werewolf pups, chainsaw-wielding lunatics, and Satan himself.

In order to view Satan (and his make-up was phenomenal), we had to walk through a decrepit-looking satanic church. As fire blazed around him, Satan called me “short” and informed me that I should drink more milk to become big and strong.

With that helpful piece of advice from Beelzebub, I, along with my brave friend, began walking towards the Scare Lift.

Scare Lift

The Scare Lift, deemed “Milwaukee’s haunted thrill ride,” was incredibly fun. I mean, who doesn’t want to ride a rickety chair lift? And once we arrived atop the hill, we were greeted by more ghouls and escorted to a super fun SLIDE! (I absolutely loved that slide!)

Carnivore

During Carnivore, my brave friend and I traveled through an asshole (yes, you heard that right), and walked through a small circus while “freaks” screeched and screamed at us.

The Final Verdict

Overall, I thought The Hill Has Eyes was incredibly boring; it was NOT worth $29.00. I would only recommend it if you feel like a) getting dirty or b) getting a headache.

Last Saturday, I saw Annabelle, directed by John R. Leonetti, with a friend, and I can describe this movie with one simple word: emotional. (No, Annabelle is not “scary;” instead, it was heart-wrenching and incredibly frustrating.)

This “horror” movie begins when pregnant Mia (Annabelle Wallis) receives a creepy-ass doll from her husband. That night, two satanic cult members break in, and one begins whispering about how much they like Mia’s dolls. Blood is spilled, causing an eerie-looking demon to lodge itself into the ugly doll.

For the remainder of Annabelle, Mia and her husband…well, I can’t really say that, seeing as the husband is never really around. Let me rephrase my first sentence: it is up to Mia to protect her young child from the demonic entity.

Criticisms

1. Why the hell couldn’t the doll do more?

Sure, the doll looked incredibly creepy, but it didn’t do anything scary. (The doll merely sat in a rocking chair. Wow…terrifying.) If the doll had moved her eyes or even spoken, I would have been more impressed.

Do you remember Slappy from Goosebumps or Chucky? Those dolls, which were also inhabited by evil spirits like Annabelle, were frightening because they walked, talked, killed, and creeped around menacingly! They didn’t just sit in a freaking rocking chair.

He FREAKED me out when I was little.

2. Why the hell would Mia choose a dark and terrible night to store boxes in the basement?

Yes, I know Annabelle is a horror movie, and horror movies need “scares” – but really? Who has ever thought, “Hey, because it’s horribly storming outside, why not go ahead and store some boxes in my incredibly dark basement?” (Great idea, genius.)

Mia has already been having paranormal experiences, but instead of keeping safe, she chooses to leave her child and apartment to put away these unimportant boxes. And then, when a decrepit-looking baby buggy rolls around the corner, she acts totally nonchalant. (Frankly, if I saw a strange-looking buggy and heard demonic wailing coming from it, I would pee my pants and run far, far away from it!)

3. Why, Mia, do you decide to have a staring contest with a demon?

Mia, I am already frustrated with you because of your damn boxes, and I am angry at you because you had to do a clichéd “trip while running in a stairwell” scene. Now, I am simply confused because instead of running like hell after you tripped, you proceeded to challenge a demon to a staring contest. A DEMON! Why the hell would you do that?

I mean, holy shit, Mia…you leave me completely speechless and dumbfounded.

The Feels

  • Tears began to well in my eyes when it seemed like Mia had killed her own child.
  • Tears began to well in my eyes when Evelyn sacrifices herself for Mia’s child.
  • Tears began to well in my eyes when I realized that Evelyn, seeing as her soul is now in hell, will probably never see her daughter again.

Overall, I would rank Annabelle as simply alright.

To watch the trailer, click here

Excited about Woman in Black: Angel of Death? I know I am!

The synopsis, according to IMDB.com, reads: “40 years after the first haunting at Eel Marsh House, a group of children evacuated from WWII London arrive, awakening the house’s darkest inhabitant.”

After watching the trailer, I felt incredibly creeped out, and I don’t like the fact that she is lurking around in the attic like The Grudge!

What are your thoughts about this upcoming movie? Comment and let me know.

Last Friday, my brave friend and I attended, and survived, the chilling journey through the Abandoned Haunted House Complex. And thankfully, much to my delight, the two houses (Ambush and Hysteria) actually scared me! I jumped, I panicked, I screamed, and I ran away from the terrifying “Chainsaw Man.”

Abandoned Haunted House Complex

When my brave friend and I arrived, it took mere minutes to purchase our tickets. (Tickets were $20.00.) Once our tickets were purchased, we began walking towards the haunted house entrance…and the screams.

There were numerous ghouls waiting to scare people while we waited in line. I came face-to-face with an incredibly creepy woman carrying scythe-like knives, and I tried to avoid looking directly at Mr. Clown, seeing as he looked pretty menacing. (If you would prefer NOT to focus on the ghouls, feel free to dance to the upbeat music they have blasting in the background or watch fun videos, like Spider Dog, on the projection screen.)

And then, after waiting for a little while, we were finally chosen to enter the house where our nightmares became reality…and wow, it was absolutely fantastic! All of the actors were brilliantly disturbing, and, at times, hilarious, and every single room, ranging from a prison cell to an ambulance to a meat locker, were phenomenally decorated.

The pitch-dark rooms, of course, messed me up, and I could not, for the life of me, figure out how to escape until my brave friend helped me out. And I also became terrified when I became the main “scare” target – the actors would silently creep up behind me and snort in my ear, breathe down my neck, or just creepily follow me through certain rooms.

I received some incredible chills, too, from Mr. Dentist who, urging me to come see him, waved a deadly-looking drill in my face, and from Prison Cell Man who, after the alarm sounded, jumped out of a cell at me. And, as I mentioned above, I screamed bloody-murder when Chainsaw Man began chasing me. (This frightened me SO badly!)

Overall, I would encourage everyone to attend the Abandoned Haunted House Complex; Ambush and Hysteria are freaking fantastic, and you will have an amazingly scary time!

The movie begins with the promising line of, “Every battle was a victory.” Unfortunately, Attila, directed by Emmanuel Itier, lost their battle because this movie was pretty awful.

Attila’s synopsis, according to IMDB.com, reads: “When American soldiers inadvertently steal Attila the Hun’s secret riches, the wrath of the barbarian is awakened; the mummified warrior will stop at nothing to kill the intruders.”

After reading this synopsis, I must clarify something: Attila the Hun is not, unfortunately, the antagonist. Once I realized Attila would not be the villain, I became rather upset. I mean, why would a movie call itself Attila if Attila isn’t even important in it? This movie should’ve been titled Nomad, seeing as Attila’s nomadic son is the main baddie.

The nomad, I will admit, is extremely tough. He cannot be stopped with bullets, explosives, or karate. And I had to laugh because Attila, for some reason, dedicated three entire scenes to karate sequences. If the roundhouse kick didn’t work the first time, why would it work the next two times?

That kick will do no damage.

And why did this film need three explosion scenes? The nomadic killer survives a grenade explosion and being shot with a missile launcher, but then “perishes” when a tiny explosive is glued to his back? I guess no one could think of a better ending.

While all his men are fighting the nomad, you know what the General is doing? He is sitting in his office, drinking Gentleman Jack Bourbon Whiskey. Yeah, they made sure to zoom up on that bottle during an unimportant scene. This scene only promoted Gentleman Jack Bourbon Whiskey. (Perhaps you should buy some Gentleman Jack Bourbon Whiskey?)

This movie also features an idiotic archaeological doctor. When the doctor begins to handle a decrepit-looking specimen, he doesn’t wear gloves – he uses his bare hands. When he cuts himself on a sharp tooth, he doesn’t rinse his wound with soap and water – he merely wipes it with a soiled washcloth and places a Band-Aid on it. The director should have really educated this so-called doctor to make the movie a little more believable.

According to BAND-AID.com, one should “thoroughly flush and clean the affected area with mild soap and water.” After that, you may place a band-aid over your cut.

The so-called doctor also packages the Staff of Moses, which is “Attila the Hun’s secret wishes,” in, get this, a cardboard box. This staff can raise the dead and grant immortality, but instead of treating it with respect, the doctor merely throws it into a cardboard box. Nice. Absolutely fantastic.

I should find at least one good thing about this movie, huh? Okay, I have it. I loved when the General, the drinker of Gentleman Jack Bourbon Whiskey, said, “Let’s get down to business,” because I responded with, “To defeat…the Huns!” Yes, Mulan totally works here, and I would have given Attila a higher review if the cast had broken into this song.

Quite frankly, I would skip this movie and watch Mulan whilst drinking Gentleman Jack Bourbon Whiskey.

To watch the trailer, click here.

“Tuck Me In,” directed by Ignacio F. Rada, is a terrifying short film based on Juan J. Ruiz’s chilling two-sentence horror story. In this film, watch as a man tucks in his child, but then realizes that something isn’t quite right when he peers under the bed to look for monsters.

Are you ready to see how evil, and terrifying, mannequins can really become? If so, watch “M is for Mannequin,” a fantastic ABC’s of Death 2 short film entry, which was directed, written, edited, and produced by Chris Dasinger.

If you are interested in blood-covered maggots, startling séances, and gruesome human marionettes, then you should watch Cassadaga, directed by Anthony DiBlasi.

After Michele (Sarach Sculco), Lily’s little sister, dies, Lily (Kelen Coleman) moves to Florida, where she begins to attend Cassadaga University in order to pursue her painting career. Life seems to be going great until Lily and Mike (Kevin Alejandro), Lily’s boyfriend, attend a séance, where a restless spirit attaches itself to Lily. Now, the spirit will not leave until Lily figures out the mystery behind Geppetto, a serial killer.

I had wanted to watch Cassadaga because the cover art looked creepy. I mean, who wouldn’t feel terrified when looking at a Samara-like marionette?

But, in my opinion, that is really the only terrifying thing about this movie: the cover art. The rest can be labeled as tame.

I mean, you cannot have a horror movie without scares, and frankly, Cassadaga doesn’t deliver any truly terrifying moments. Sure, there is one entity that pops up suddenly, screeching, and at times, you can see her decrepit-looking hands. But after a while, this entity just becomes annoying.

This movie did, though, make me feel rather sick. During one scene, when Lily takes a swig of milk, she notices something isn’t right, and spits it out. There, in the pool of milk, are wriggling maggots. Thanks to Cassadaga, I will definitely be inspecting my next glass of milk!

While watching this film, I began to notice that when Lily, who is deaf, would be on-screen, no music would be played, and at times, there would be no sound. However, when the killer would be on-screen, the noise would be absolutely horrendous, especially when he would sharpen his knives. I had to actually turn down the volume because the sound hurt my ears.

And now, I would love to discuss a severe problem in this movie, and it happens to be regarding the relationship between Lily and Mike. First of all, who, after just meeting someone, reaches for their entire family album, and pours out their entire life story?

Second, why would Mike, who attended the séance and saw/heard strange things, not believe his girlfriend’s story until she begins vomiting blood and maggots? And instead of arguing with her, why didn’t he try to transport her to the nearest hospital?

Instead, he decides to cure her himself with sex and rest. Douche.

And even though Mike understands that a ghost is attacking Lily, he stills believes it is a good idea for himself, Lily, and his daughter to all hang out together. Are you stupid, Mike?

Another scene that frustrated me would be when Lily, who is escaping from the serial killer, manages to get into an unlocked vehicle that still has the keys in it. Shouldn’t the killer have stashed the keys away or, I don’t know, locked the doors?

And Lily managed to piss me off because instead of driving to safety, she ends up crashing the car. Yep, she decided it would be more beneficial to turn around and flip off the killer than keep her eyes on the road.

Thankfully, though, she finds the courage to kill the killer! In some horror movies, women characters freeze until another character finds and saves them. But not Lily – she stabs the killer in the eye with an Eiffel Tower, and stabs him a few times in the gut with a pair of scissors.

Overall, Cassadaga was decent, and I would highly recommend it if you are looking for a good mystery/thriller.

To watch the trailer, click here

“M is for Misprint,” directed, edited, and written by Steven Hugh Nelson, is an exceptional ABC’s of Death 2 short film entry. In this short film, which has phenomenal music, watch as the main character, who recently discovered from his horoscope that the letter “m” would lead to his demise, discard muffins and milk, punch Mormons, and battle a mime.