Archive for the ‘Horrendous Horror Movies’ Category

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To all whom own a home: beware, beware! Do you know where your lumber was obtained? Might it have come from a “decades-old” haunted house? Might it be possessed by hellfire and Satan’s wrath?

In Amityville Exorcism, directed by Mark Polonia, a contractor fails to document where his timber came from, and, since a devil inhabited it, unknowingly infected numerous families, including the Dukane family, resulting in possession and death. (The Dukane family, though, due to their bitterness and resentment towards one another, allowed the demon to grow stronger as he emerged from his plank of wood.)

Our demon, lurking through cemeteries, forests, and basements, wears a blood-red cloak, crimson mask, and sports a magnificent beard. He, at the end of Amityville Exorcism, possesses an oily-faced Amy Dukane (Marie DeLorenzo), causing her to pose for pictures, bite her awkward boyfriend, vomit, swear, and cringe from religious artifacts. All while this is happening, Jeremy Dukane (James Carolus), her alcoholic father, stands nearby, listening to Father Benna (Jeff Kirkendall), a strange priest, poorly read from a King James Bible.

…wait, I skipped a character – my deepest apologies! I present the burglar (Todd Carpenter) who, for some odd reason, enters the Dukane residence, storms into the basement, and proceeds to steal cleaning supplies and Christmas decorations. Why?!

Random scenes are speckled throughout this film, offering no addition to the plotline. One scene, for instance, left me puzzled – our priest, wispy hair billowing in the wind, traverses through a cemetery, looking lost and confused. Soon, he kneels down and places his head on a random headstone – and the shot ends! What, if anything, am I supposed to gain from that?!

Another random scene left me scratching my head – Amy, possessed, walks to a nearby park, where some strange man, carrying a camera, begins taking photographs of her face, her body. Why?! Is the demon a model from Hell? Is the demon interested in photography? I just don’t understand the relevance of the scene at all.

One more random scene occurs when we watch Amy, her father, and her boyfriend eat Kraft Macaroni & Cheese and hotdogs in silence – why?! Amityville Exorcism is packed with frustrating and pointless scenes.

Murder, it seems, wasn’t in the budget – when characters were murdered, the camera was yanked upwards and away, allowing the “victims” time to apply crappy red paint to act as wounds and blood on their face and neck. Excellent acting, it seems, wasn’t sought for in the death scenes, either, seeing as actors didn’t look horrified as a hammer crashed down on their face, and their screams weren’t realistic!

This movie, horror fanatics, is one you can miss – wooden acting, horrendous lighting, and crap dialogue was an utter nightmare and pain to watch! But, the next time you see lumber, ask yourself, “This wood, this lumber…where did it come from?” Otherwise you might be visited by a horribly dressed man, claiming to be a demon!

To watch the trailer, click here

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Imagine agreeing to babysit a child, but when you are brought face-to-face with it, it turns out to be a creepy-ass porcelain doll named Brahms. Would you reject the offer and leave, or would you, like Greta (Lauren Cohan), an American nanny in The Boy, directed by William Brent Bell, agree to cuddle, sing, and even kiss the doll goodnight for a paycheck?

Greta, like any normal person, finds babysitting a doll strange, and finds the rules accompanying him even stranger. Brahms must never be alone, must always be read poetry in a “loud, clear voice,” must listen to music loudly, and must always be kissed goodnight. Needless to say, Greta fails to follow the rules, instead covering Brahms with a sheet – and that is when weird things begin to happen.

Certain items begin disappearing and reappearing; a childlike wail can be heard echoing around the pitch-dark hallways; the lifeless doll begins moving around the house, knocking on doors, making peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches, and, in a tiny voice, pleading for Greta to follow the rules.

After speaking to Malcolm (Rupert Evans), local grocery man, about her tragic past, involving an abusive boyfriend and her child’s death, Greta becomes more affectionate and maternal towards Brahms – much to the dismay of Malcolm and Cole (Ben Robson), Greta’s ex-boyfriend. Together, all three will discover who Brahms truly is, and what is lurking behind the walls of the Heelshire House.

Even though the trailer terrified me and the synopsis sounded fantastic, The Boy disappointed me with classic horror clichés, such as a stupid protagonist, countless jump scares, unanswered questions, and a terrible ending.

Greta, to be blunt, is a dumb protagonist – when she hears creaking boards in the attic, she wanders upstairs with no light, no weapon, and wearing only a towel, giving herself away by shouting, “Who’s there?” And instead of expressing fear when she discovers her doll might be possessed, Greta gleefully hops up and down, all smiles! What?!

I am not a fan of jump scares – they cheapen a movie. The Boy, unfortunately, is chock-full of them.

As for unanswered questions, I honestly wanted to know, “What the hell made Brahms odd?” Was he born evil? What other qualities did he exhibit that deemed him “odd?” I mean, the characters attempted to weave together a spooky backstory, but it fell flat – it would have been more terrifying had Brahms’ parents, who desperately wanted a child, had summoned an evil spirit or demon which, once Brahms perished in the fire, had transferred itself into a porcelain doll, intent on haunting them for life unless they found a fresh soul to sacrifice.

I was not a fan of the twist ending – it was complete shit.

The Boy wasn’t scary; it was a disappointment.

To watch the trailer, click here

Oh, the weather outside is frightful, especially when a white-furred creature, covered in frozen flesh and blood, is chasing you through the snow-covered hills of Canada in Snow Beast (2011), directed by Brian Brough.

Three researchers and one rebellious daughter arrive in Canada to study wildlife – yet something has gobbled up every hare and lynx in sight! What could’ve done this?! Only when this question has been asked does the snow beast emerge slowly from the snow, eager to begin the chase for his next meal.

The origin of this snow beast, unfortunately, is never explained. Did he, like one character suggest, board a plane from Tibet and travel to Canada? Is he a genetic mutation? (Personally, I’d like to think he is a distant relative of the wampa from Hoth.)

Mr. Snow Beast is ape-like; he has white-fur, sharp teeth, and a KILLER slap/punch combo! He spends his days barreling through the woods, searching for lost snowboarders, destroying snowmobiles, and dragging frozen corpses back to his snow den.

His diet consists of hare and lynx – Mr. Snow Beast, it seems, would rather punch his human victims and drag them several miles to his home than devour their tasty flesh. Not one victim had a bite-mark – instead of being consumed, Marci (Kari Hawker-Diaz) was frozen into a wall and Rob (Paul D. Hunt), who was gut-punched to death, was left to freeze on the chilly ground.

Instead of devouring Jim (John Schneider), head of the research team, the beast delicately placed him into the snow cave, covered him with freshly-fallen snow, and left him, like Rob, to freeze. Jim, left outside in freezing temperatures for an entire day, should’ve shown signs of hypothermia. But when Emmy (Danielle Chuchran), his daughter, discovers him, Jim awakens, feeling refreshed, rejuvenated, and ready to run!

I expected an epic battle between researchers and the beast – instead, I received an anti-climactic ending, where Jim and Emmy, armed with their flare gun, bury the snow beast in an avalanche. Oh, and they don’t even make sure the beast is dead – they just leave, hand-in-hand, smiles plastered on their unflawed faces.

Boredom is what I experienced while watching Snow Beast – there is nothing horrific about an ape-like beast lumbering around Canada, bitch-slapping people and snarling occasionally.

If you want a campy monster movie, don your deerstalker, cozy up in a cabin, grab some cocoa, and watch Snow Beast.

To watch the trailer, click here

The Devil, impeccably dressed in a nicely-pressed suit, and his demon minions eagerly await your arrival in Kingdom Come, directed by Greg A. Sager.

Numerous individuals awaken in an abandoned hospital, and begin trying to find a way out of the maze-like building. Seeing as no one trusts one another, the large group slowly begins dissolving into smaller and smaller groups. And one by one, individuals are cornered and tormented by their past sins. Will everyone escape, or will the Devil and his creatures tear them apart first?

Sam Becker and Jessica Martin, the leaders, become the film’s main characters, along with Ceilia, a God-like child. But our brave and heroic main characters are not without sin – Sam drove while drunk, killing an innocent man, while Jessica had an abortion. Ceilia, though, who possesses godly powers, forgives them both, and allows them to start fresh.

The other sinful characters are not so lucky – they, instead, meet their sins head-on, along with the Devil and his creatures. One character is torn apart by the women he raped, while another character, a drug addict, is killed in a bloody bathroom stall after being handed a bloody syringe.

On this note, Kingdom Come had incredibly dark backstories for each character. One character, a racist, killed his own daughter and blamed it on another man, while another character, a pedophile, ruined young girl’s lives. (Each backstory became increasingly darker and darker throughout the film.)

Daniel the Devil was a brilliant antagonist – besides, he’s incredibly fashionable. Oh, and his demonic roar was great, too. His eyes possess a sinister gleam while watching his “little pigs” attempt to escape while he rips their souls from their chests painfully.

His creatures, on the other hand, weren’t great – their costuming was just…off, I think. I mean, they could have been creative and terrifying…but their clothing tatters, wigs, and bizarre hop-walk made them unrealistic-looking.

Overall, Kingdom Come showcases evil overcoming goodness – it’s a dark horror film filled with twists and turns, deceiving demons, hopping creatures, and copious amounts of death.

To watch the trailer, click here

A revengeful clown, terrified teenagers, and copious amounts of gore await you in Stitches, a delightful horror-comedy directed by Conor McMahon.

It all begins once Stitches (Ross Noble), an unfunny clown, stumbles into Tommy’s birthday party. After belittling him and enduring his terrible jokes, the children decide to prank Stitches by tying his shoelaces together. Little did the children know, though, their prank would cause Stitches to stagger, fall, and die.

Now, six years later, Stitches has risen from his earthy tomb to crash Tommy’s birthday party – will Stitches make the teenagers laugh…or die?

Stitches, the ultimate antagonist, was both hilarious and evil with an amazing set of qualities:

  • Ability to throw knives and umbrellas with precision
  • Ability to detach his clown nose and “sniff” out his victims
  • Ability to decapitate individuals with one swift kick
  • Ability to ride a tricycle fast with over-sized shoes on

The murderous clown also showcased his clown-like ways while killing his victims:

  • Creates crude balloon animals from torn intestines
  • Inflates heads like balloons until they burst
  • Scoops out brains like ice cream

And lastly, Stitches was a pun master, which I loved, and here are three of my favorite puns:

  • “This party’s really kicking now.” (A head pun mentioned after someone’s head is kicked off.)
  • “He had to head off.” (Another head pun.)
  • “I Just Died in Your Arms Tonight.” (This song played while Stitches held a dead teenager in his arms.)

If you are looking for a fantastic horror-comedy to watch tonight, then for fuck’s sake, watch this! It will leave you in stitches!

To watch the trailer, click here.

The Haunted Casino, directed by Charles Band, was dreadful.

Image from imdb.com.

 

This atrocious film begins when Matthew inherits his uncle’s rundown casino. (Little does he know, though, this casino is haunted by five mediocre ghosts.) These ghosts, ranging from gangsters to card dealers, begin pulling Matthew and his irritating friends into rigged games of Black Jack and Roulette. Will they win and walk away free, or will they lose their lives over a card game?

Oh, and there is another plot about finding hidden silver, which would really help Matthew and his girlfriend, JJ, fix up the casino. (Seriously? Am I watching The Goonies?)

All of the characters were extremely unlikeable:

  • Matthew (Scott Whyte): Depressed inheritor of the casino; constantly shushed by his annoying girlfriend, JJ.
  • JJ (Robin Sydney): Matthew’s annoying and overly optimistic girlfriend; never wants to discuss finances or real-life.
  • Paige (Kristyn Green)*: Blonde model; screamer.
  • Emily (Lily Rains)*: Number-crunching lesbian; card sharp.
  • Jimbo (Wes Armstrong)*: Unimportant character; lost his arm in a Black Jack game.
  • Skeeter (Kavan Reece)*: Bad boy; wants the dead Roulette girl.

*I don’t know if I have these character names correct, seeing as they weren’t incredibly important.

And the ghosts, woah, are laughable! The murderous Roulette man transforms into a giant cookie with piercing red eyes, while the cookie-loving Black Jack man turns into a huge-headed knight. These ghosts weren’t terrifying – they were terrible!

In the end, everyone except Matthew and JJ perish. Instead of shedding tears, though, they walk over their friend’s lifeless bodies towards the silver they found, and begin discussing how they are going to fix up the casino…that attempted to kill them! (Are you kidding me?!)

Overall, The Haunted Casino is not worth your time – skip it, and watch something else.

To watch the trailer, click here

The Mole Man of Belmont Avenue, a mediocre film directed by Mike Bradecich and John LaFlamboy, revolves around two bumbling (and idiotic) brothers who must fight a carnivorous mole-like creature lurking in the basement of their run-down apartment complex.

Let me introduce our unlikely heroes: Marion (Mike Bradecich) and Jarmon (John LaFlamboy) Mugg, two lousy apartment landlords who worship alcohol and allow their building to deteriorate…until they stumble upon the mole-man.

That, my friends, is when shit gets real.

The two brothers put down their whiskey bottle, board up the vents, attend a training course, and purchase deadly shovels in order to protect their tenants from becoming the creature’s next meal. Will they defeat the mole-man, or die humorously trying?

To be honest, I only watched The Mole Man of Belmont Avenue because Robert Englund was in it – he, a marvelous actor, played a devilishly suave “horny bastard.” His character, proficient in dirty-talk and stashing pornographic magazines, was hilarious, and I was disappointed that he didn’t have more screen-time!

But then the humor vanished whenever the Mugg brothers appeared on-screen; continuous slapstick, pot references, and swearing can’t be considered hysterical. (Perhaps try for some actual jokes?!)

I truly disliked this film because it dragged on and on and on and on…I smiled with delight once it ended, and whooped with glee because I had made it out alive after watching this unfunny film.

Their one redeeming quality: a catchy and upbeat song – you can listen to it here.

If you want to waste 90 minutes of your life, then watch The Mole Man of Belmont Avenue – it’s an unfunny movie filled with bumbling morons, pot, porn, and disappearing pets and tenants.

To watch the trailer, click here.

I was disappointed with Starry Eyes, a horror movie directed by Kevin Kolsch and Dennis Widmeyer.

According to IMDB.com, this movie was supposed to revolve around “a hopeful young starlet [who] uncovers the ominous origins of the Hollywood elite and enters into a deadly agreement in exchange for fame and fortune.”

Instead of this plot, though, I received a film eerily similar to Contracted, directed by Eric England.

Let’s compare the two movies, shall we?

Starry Eyes (2014)

Contracted (2013)

Sarah (Alex Essoe) is a waitress

Samantha (Najarra Townsend) is a waitress
Sarah has unprotected sex, and rots Samantha has unprotected sex, and rots
Sarah hovers over the toilet (vomiting), loses one fingernail, and vomits maggots

Samantha hovers over the toilet (vomiting), loses fingernails, and maggots fall from her vagina

 

I only see two differences between Starry Eyes and Contracted:

  1. Unlike Sarah, whose “rotting” sequence wasn’t horribly gory, Samantha experiences more horrible changes: losing large quantities of blood, yanking out her teeth, and watching her eyes become bloodshot and cloudy. (Frankly, if Sarah threw on some Carmex, make-up, and a wig, she’d look fine.)
  2. Unlike Samantha, who rotted away because she had unprotected sex with a man who had hooked up with a bio-hazardous corpse, Sarah rotted away because she became involved with a strange cult.

Here is another problem with Starry Eyes: they NEVER explained Astraeus Pictures, the cult. What was their origin? Who do they worship? Who was all involved? (I mean, a few close-ups of pentagrams didn’t explain anything; it just left me asking more questions.)

Oh, and the ending was horrible! One minute, Sarah doesn’t have the strength or energy to crawl across the floor because she is in so much pain, but the next moment, she has the ability to sprint to her friend’s house to kill them by knifing them and bashing their face in with weights. (Where did Sarah receive this incredible strength?!)

A positive in Starry Eyes? The soundtrack.

Overall, I truly disliked this unoriginal film.

To watch the trailer, click here.

As a child, I feared something might be lurking under my bed, ready to latch its hairy claw around my tiny ankle and drag me away into the darkness. With this memory in mind, I decided to watch Under the Bed, directed by Steven C. Miller, because I hoped it would play upon my childhood fears.

Boy…was I wrong.

Instead of coming face-to-face with a fearsome creature, Neal (Jonny Weston) and Paulie (Gattlin Griffin), brothers, battle a man in a demon costume living under their bed. (The costume, crafted from rubber, doesn’t represent nightmares – frankly, it looks cheap and idiotic.)

I understand the “monster” lives under the bed, might spawn from Hell, and has a strange obsession with Neal. What I don’t know, and want to know, is:

  1. Why does the creature want Neal? If it is hungry, why not eat Paulie?
  2. Is the creature hungry, blood-thirsty, or does it want to simply converse with the boys?
  3. How did it find itself living under Neal’s bed? (Did it wander in or fill out an application?)
  4. What the hell is it? (A demon? A monster? The brother of the creature from Pan’s Labyrinth?)

And, if the creature has the potential to rip-off heads in a single motion and burn flesh from bones, why does it resort to simple hand-to-hand combat with Neal at the end?! Isn’t that rather pointless?! (I mean, Mr. Creature, you’ve been following Neal for TWO YEARS – just eat him already!)

Also, I truly believe the director or writer watched Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone before writing the ending to Under the Bed. The reason? Both movies showcase deceased mothers fighting evil for their children. Harry Potter has motherly love within, and with it, can burn Voldemort’s face; however, Neal must rely upon his mother’s ashes to melt the creature, I guess? (That is another question I want answered: how exactly can ashes destroy the creature?)

Under the Bed oozes with awkwardness – and, most of the time, the awkwardness heightens when Cara (Kelcie Stranahan), Neal’s next-door neighbor, arrives on-screen. I understand the director wished to create a love story between two teenagers; however, it never blossomed, so why not simply delete those weird scenes?!

Besides, Cara is a heartless bitch – her two brothers are slaughtered right in front of her face by an unknown creature, and she doesn’t even bat an eye or shed a tear. Really?! (She seems to be the real monster – a heartless, emotionless monster!)

Overall, I commend Under the Bed’s creativity and ideas – however, it is full of unanswered questions, a man in a latex suit, and an unnecessary, and heartless, character. If those problems were fixed, Under the Bed, directed by Steven C. Miller, could be labeled a decent horror film.

To watch the trailer, click here

A murdered husband, a missing son, dozens of secrets, and time travelers await you in La casa del fin los tiempos, or The House at the End of Time, a Venezuelan horror movie directed by Alejandro Hidalgo.

In 1981, Dulce (Ruddy Rodriguez) is found drenched in her husband’s blood, and Leopoldo (Rosmel Bustamante), her son, is missing. Confused and heartbroken, Dulce is convicted, spending thirty years in a decrepit jail cell until she is placed under house-arrest in her old home. She is plagued by memories and regrets until a local priest (Guillermo Garcia) visits. With his help, Dulce will attempt to unravel the mystery of what happened thirty years ago.

Old Dulce was my favorite character – she was sweet, motherly, and honest. Sure, Young Dulce was motherly, but she didn’t possess the wisdom or practicality that Old Dulce possessed. (And, in my opinion, Young Dulce was annoying.) I understand why Leopoldo would want to spend more time with Old Dulce; her love, after seeing her son after thirty years, was overflowing, and their embraces were the sweetest mother-son hugs ever.

Old Dulce was able to interact with the past (Young Leopoldo, Young Dulce, Juan Jose) and the future (Old Leopoldo) because of her house’s magical ability to transport people through time. Yet I would have enjoyed if the director had focused upon explaining, in further detail, why the house has the ability to time-travel. One of the characters briefly mentioned something about Masons and an entire family disappearing – but then, nothing more.

La casa del fin los tiempos is an emotional film – especially, I think, for mothers. Dulce, for years, grieves for Rodrigo (Hector Cubero), her youngest son, and dwells upon Leopoldo’s disappearance. These scenarios are a mother’s worst nightmare; Dulce’s memories tug on the heartstrings, and leave not a dry eye while watching this film.

Pearls, beautiful drops of the moon, are a continuous theme in La casa del fin los tiempos. When a pearl is presented, I believe the characters realize that no matter what, love will never falter. (For instance, Dulce presents Leopoldo with a pearl; throughout the film, her love only grows stronger, and she never stops searching for him.)

Overall, La casa del fin los tiempos, or The House at the End of Time, was a heart-wrenching horror film; I enjoyed it.

To watch the trailer, click here