Archive for April, 2015

The Devil, impeccably dressed in a nicely-pressed suit, and his demon minions eagerly await your arrival in Kingdom Come, directed by Greg A. Sager.

Numerous individuals awaken in an abandoned hospital, and begin trying to find a way out of the maze-like building. Seeing as no one trusts one another, the large group slowly begins dissolving into smaller and smaller groups. And one by one, individuals are cornered and tormented by their past sins. Will everyone escape, or will the Devil and his creatures tear them apart first?

Sam Becker and Jessica Martin, the leaders, become the film’s main characters, along with Ceilia, a God-like child. But our brave and heroic main characters are not without sin – Sam drove while drunk, killing an innocent man, while Jessica had an abortion. Ceilia, though, who possesses godly powers, forgives them both, and allows them to start fresh.

The other sinful characters are not so lucky – they, instead, meet their sins head-on, along with the Devil and his creatures. One character is torn apart by the women he raped, while another character, a drug addict, is killed in a bloody bathroom stall after being handed a bloody syringe.

On this note, Kingdom Come had incredibly dark backstories for each character. One character, a racist, killed his own daughter and blamed it on another man, while another character, a pedophile, ruined young girl’s lives. (Each backstory became increasingly darker and darker throughout the film.)

Daniel the Devil was a brilliant antagonist – besides, he’s incredibly fashionable. Oh, and his demonic roar was great, too. His eyes possess a sinister gleam while watching his “little pigs” attempt to escape while he rips their souls from their chests painfully.

His creatures, on the other hand, weren’t great – their costuming was just…off, I think. I mean, they could have been creative and terrifying…but their clothing tatters, wigs, and bizarre hop-walk made them unrealistic-looking.

Overall, Kingdom Come showcases evil overcoming goodness – it’s a dark horror film filled with twists and turns, deceiving demons, hopping creatures, and copious amounts of death.

To watch the trailer, click here

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A revengeful clown, terrified teenagers, and copious amounts of gore await you in Stitches, a delightful horror-comedy directed by Conor McMahon.

It all begins once Stitches (Ross Noble), an unfunny clown, stumbles into Tommy’s birthday party. After belittling him and enduring his terrible jokes, the children decide to prank Stitches by tying his shoelaces together. Little did the children know, though, their prank would cause Stitches to stagger, fall, and die.

Now, six years later, Stitches has risen from his earthy tomb to crash Tommy’s birthday party – will Stitches make the teenagers laugh…or die?

Stitches, the ultimate antagonist, was both hilarious and evil with an amazing set of qualities:

  • Ability to throw knives and umbrellas with precision
  • Ability to detach his clown nose and “sniff” out his victims
  • Ability to decapitate individuals with one swift kick
  • Ability to ride a tricycle fast with over-sized shoes on

The murderous clown also showcased his clown-like ways while killing his victims:

  • Creates crude balloon animals from torn intestines
  • Inflates heads like balloons until they burst
  • Scoops out brains like ice cream

And lastly, Stitches was a pun master, which I loved, and here are three of my favorite puns:

  • “This party’s really kicking now.” (A head pun mentioned after someone’s head is kicked off.)
  • “He had to head off.” (Another head pun.)
  • “I Just Died in Your Arms Tonight.” (This song played while Stitches held a dead teenager in his arms.)

If you are looking for a fantastic horror-comedy to watch tonight, then for fuck’s sake, watch this! It will leave you in stitches!

To watch the trailer, click here.

Earth Day in Wisconsin, unfortunately, is pretty damn chilly, so I fully intend to celebrate by wrapping myself in a fleece blanket, heating up some cocoa, and watching several frightening eco-horror films, such as:

Day of the Animals (1977)

Director: William Girdler

Synopsis: “A battle for survival as hikers encounter a chemically imbalanced forest” (imdb.com).

Slugs: The Movie (1988)

Director: Juan Piquer Simon

Synopsis: “Killer slugs on the rampage in a rural community” (imdb.com).

The Thaw (2009)

Director: Mark A. Lewis

Synopsis: “A research expedition to the Arctic discovers that a melting polar ice cap has released a deadly prehistoric parasite” (imdb.com).

Birdemic: Shock and Terror (2010)

Director: James Nguyen

Synopsis: “A platoon of eagles and vultures attacks the residents of a small town. Many people die. It’s not known what caused the flying menace to attack. Two people manage to fight back, but will they survive Birdemic?” (imdb.com).

The Bay (2012)

Director: Barry Levinson

Synopsis: “Chaos breaks out in a small Maryland town after an ecological disaster occurs.”

Happy Earth Day, fellow horror fanatics!

On Saturday, September 26th, 2015, why not run away from blood-thirsty zombies at the Wisconsin Zombie Mud Run 2015, presented by Wisconsin Feargrounds?!

You have three options:

Option #1: Be a Runner

  • Runners “run among the living and see if [they] can survive.”

Option #2: Be a Zombie

  • Zombies “see how many of the living [they] can take down.”

Option #3: Be a Volunteer

  • Volunteers make sure things run smoothly at the event.

Registration Fees:

$50.00: Runner

$35.00: Zombie

*A portion of all registration fees will be donated to Don’t be a Monster, an anti-bullying campaign.

C’mon, register and join the fun; you’re not scared, right?!

The Haunted Casino, directed by Charles Band, was dreadful.

Image from imdb.com.

 

This atrocious film begins when Matthew inherits his uncle’s rundown casino. (Little does he know, though, this casino is haunted by five mediocre ghosts.) These ghosts, ranging from gangsters to card dealers, begin pulling Matthew and his irritating friends into rigged games of Black Jack and Roulette. Will they win and walk away free, or will they lose their lives over a card game?

Oh, and there is another plot about finding hidden silver, which would really help Matthew and his girlfriend, JJ, fix up the casino. (Seriously? Am I watching The Goonies?)

All of the characters were extremely unlikeable:

  • Matthew (Scott Whyte): Depressed inheritor of the casino; constantly shushed by his annoying girlfriend, JJ.
  • JJ (Robin Sydney): Matthew’s annoying and overly optimistic girlfriend; never wants to discuss finances or real-life.
  • Paige (Kristyn Green)*: Blonde model; screamer.
  • Emily (Lily Rains)*: Number-crunching lesbian; card sharp.
  • Jimbo (Wes Armstrong)*: Unimportant character; lost his arm in a Black Jack game.
  • Skeeter (Kavan Reece)*: Bad boy; wants the dead Roulette girl.

*I don’t know if I have these character names correct, seeing as they weren’t incredibly important.

And the ghosts, woah, are laughable! The murderous Roulette man transforms into a giant cookie with piercing red eyes, while the cookie-loving Black Jack man turns into a huge-headed knight. These ghosts weren’t terrifying – they were terrible!

In the end, everyone except Matthew and JJ perish. Instead of shedding tears, though, they walk over their friend’s lifeless bodies towards the silver they found, and begin discussing how they are going to fix up the casino…that attempted to kill them! (Are you kidding me?!)

Overall, The Haunted Casino is not worth your time – skip it, and watch something else.

To watch the trailer, click here

If you aren’t squeamish, why not watch the NEW trailer for The Human Centipede III: Final Sequence, a horror film directed, written, produced, and starring Tom Six?

Bill Boss (Dieter Laser), according to the trailer, can’t control his prisoners, so Dwight Butler (Laurence R. Harvey), his right-hand man, calls in Six, “creator of [the Human Centipede] films” to create a solution.

Their solution: create a “prison human centipede.”

If the prisoners are transformed into a centipede, there will be “no more prison fights” and “no more assaults on guards.” Besides, these prisoners, crawling on their hands and knees and attached to one another’s anuses, will have to respect Bill Boss.

The Human Centipede III: Final Sequence seems to be “exactly what America needs.”

Will YOU be seeing The Human Centipede III: Final Sequence, or are you too squeamish?

Clowns, with their over-sized shoes, bulbous noses, and layers upon layers of make-up, frighten me…and after watching the trailer for Fear Itself, an upcoming horror movie directed by Aaron Mirtes, I truly believe Ribcage the Clown and his blood-red balloons might scare me shitless.

Fear Itself revolves around Emma, a college student, who must come face-to-face with her worst nightmare when a psychotic clown begins terrorizing her small town.

For more information about Fear Itself and to help fund their Kickstarter, click here.

To follow them on Twitter, click here.

The Mole Man of Belmont Avenue, a mediocre film directed by Mike Bradecich and John LaFlamboy, revolves around two bumbling (and idiotic) brothers who must fight a carnivorous mole-like creature lurking in the basement of their run-down apartment complex.

Let me introduce our unlikely heroes: Marion (Mike Bradecich) and Jarmon (John LaFlamboy) Mugg, two lousy apartment landlords who worship alcohol and allow their building to deteriorate…until they stumble upon the mole-man.

That, my friends, is when shit gets real.

The two brothers put down their whiskey bottle, board up the vents, attend a training course, and purchase deadly shovels in order to protect their tenants from becoming the creature’s next meal. Will they defeat the mole-man, or die humorously trying?

To be honest, I only watched The Mole Man of Belmont Avenue because Robert Englund was in it – he, a marvelous actor, played a devilishly suave “horny bastard.” His character, proficient in dirty-talk and stashing pornographic magazines, was hilarious, and I was disappointed that he didn’t have more screen-time!

But then the humor vanished whenever the Mugg brothers appeared on-screen; continuous slapstick, pot references, and swearing can’t be considered hysterical. (Perhaps try for some actual jokes?!)

I truly disliked this film because it dragged on and on and on and on…I smiled with delight once it ended, and whooped with glee because I had made it out alive after watching this unfunny film.

Their one redeeming quality: a catchy and upbeat song – you can listen to it here.

If you want to waste 90 minutes of your life, then watch The Mole Man of Belmont Avenue – it’s an unfunny movie filled with bumbling morons, pot, porn, and disappearing pets and tenants.

To watch the trailer, click here.

I was disappointed with Starry Eyes, a horror movie directed by Kevin Kolsch and Dennis Widmeyer.

According to IMDB.com, this movie was supposed to revolve around “a hopeful young starlet [who] uncovers the ominous origins of the Hollywood elite and enters into a deadly agreement in exchange for fame and fortune.”

Instead of this plot, though, I received a film eerily similar to Contracted, directed by Eric England.

Let’s compare the two movies, shall we?

Starry Eyes (2014)

Contracted (2013)

Sarah (Alex Essoe) is a waitress

Samantha (Najarra Townsend) is a waitress
Sarah has unprotected sex, and rots Samantha has unprotected sex, and rots
Sarah hovers over the toilet (vomiting), loses one fingernail, and vomits maggots

Samantha hovers over the toilet (vomiting), loses fingernails, and maggots fall from her vagina

 

I only see two differences between Starry Eyes and Contracted:

  1. Unlike Sarah, whose “rotting” sequence wasn’t horribly gory, Samantha experiences more horrible changes: losing large quantities of blood, yanking out her teeth, and watching her eyes become bloodshot and cloudy. (Frankly, if Sarah threw on some Carmex, make-up, and a wig, she’d look fine.)
  2. Unlike Samantha, who rotted away because she had unprotected sex with a man who had hooked up with a bio-hazardous corpse, Sarah rotted away because she became involved with a strange cult.

Here is another problem with Starry Eyes: they NEVER explained Astraeus Pictures, the cult. What was their origin? Who do they worship? Who was all involved? (I mean, a few close-ups of pentagrams didn’t explain anything; it just left me asking more questions.)

Oh, and the ending was horrible! One minute, Sarah doesn’t have the strength or energy to crawl across the floor because she is in so much pain, but the next moment, she has the ability to sprint to her friend’s house to kill them by knifing them and bashing their face in with weights. (Where did Sarah receive this incredible strength?!)

A positive in Starry Eyes? The soundtrack.

Overall, I truly disliked this unoriginal film.

To watch the trailer, click here.