Archive for September, 2014

Kevin Smith, director of Tusk, created a delightfully disturbing horror film that focuses upon an insane seafarer, a hand-stitched walrus outfit, and tibia tusks.

Wallace (Justin Long), an arrogant podcaster with a porn mustache, has found himself in Canada to conduct an interview with the Kill Bill Kid (Doug Banks). (See, Wallace is an asshole who belittles “freaks” on The Not-See Party, his podcast; for him, the Kill Bill Kid was going to make an easy target.)

But when Wallace arrives for the scheduled interview, he discovers that his interviewee has committed suicide. Once Wallace hears that, he freaks out; he needs to find another “freak” for his podcast in order for his Canadian trip to be worth his time.

And Wallace happens to find that “freak” when he sets foot in a small Canadian bathroom. Here, he discovers a small note, handwritten by Howard Howe (Michael Parks), who promises a boatload of mesmerizing tales to anyone who wishes to listen.

Yet Howe does not merely wish to tell his seafaring tales. No, no. Instead, Howe wishes to recreate Mr. Tusk, the walrus that saved him from drowning years ago. And Wallace seems like the perfect specimen to transform.

To be brutally honest, the transformation scenes weren’t gory at all. I had assumed that gore levels would be about equal with The Human Centipede 2: Full Sequence. Instead of watching Wallace’s teeth be removed or his legs sawed off, though, I listened to Howe calmly recount his messed-up childhood as he leisurely sewed Wallace’s unconscious body up. I mean, it’s pretty tame.

But I will admit that the walrus costume is insanely creepy. Instead of looking like a walrus, though, Wallace looks like a flesh-colored Grimace with tusks. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cringe.

On the plus side, Wallace, while becoming a walrus, was able to listen to Howe’s beautiful voice recite one passage from Lewis Carroll’s, “The Walrus and the Carpenter.”

The sun was shining on the sea,
Shining with all his might:
He did his very best to make
The billows smooth and bright–
And this was odd, because it was
The middle of the night.

But there was another character that I loved listening to more: Guy Lapointe (Johnny Depp), an alcoholic ex-cop who has been following Howe for years. It is this character that Teddy (Haley Joel Osment), Wallace’s friend, and Ally (Genesis Rodriguez), Wallace’s girlfriend, contact when trying to locate Wallace.

I can describe Lapointe in one word: hysterical. (Watch Tusk for yourself, and I am sure you will agree with me.)

Even though I loved certain characters and particular jokes, I hated the way Tusk ended. I had hoped the movie’s ending would have left me feeling good. Instead, it left me feeling distraught and incredibly unhappy.

Overall, I did enjoy Tusk, and I would highly recommend it.

To watch the trailer, click here

Directed by Ti West, The Sacrament, an incredibly disturbing horror film, focused upon cults and manipulation.

The story begins when Patrick (Kentucker Audley), a photographer, receives a letter from Caroline (Amy Seimetz), his sister, inviting him to visit her at Eden Parish. Patrick is reluctant to visit; however, his two friends, Sam (AJ Bowen) and Jake (Joe Swanberg), convince him to go because they wish to obtain footage and conduct interviews for their personal use.

Once they reach Eden Parish, everything begins to spiral downhill. The men are nearly shot because they are filming, and once they meet Father (Gene Jones), they realize that Eden Parish is not a “paradise.” Instead, it is a living hell. Will they be able to escape, or will their lives be taken from them?

Father, in my opinion, is the creepiest character. In order to control his “children,” he isolates them in the middle of nowhere, and if members attempt to escape, they are severely punished. Savanna, a little girl, tried to escape, but they caught her – and they beat her until she refused to talk again.

Father creeps me out.

Whatever Father says, happens…even death, even murder. If he commands his “children” to die for him, they will lie down in the pavilion and poison themselves to please him.

The mass suicide in The Sacrament is extremely painful to watch. It brought me to tears to see the fear and the pain flash through every member’s eyes. I just couldn’t believe how many people could listen to Father and end their lives…or their children’s lives.

It was horrible to watch a sister murder her own brother, and it was terrifying to watch a mother murder her own daughter. During these two particular scenes, I burst into tears; I just couldn’t understand how mankind could harm their own flesh and blood.

Overall, The Sacrament was an emotional and disturbing film.

To watch the trailer, click here

Written, produced, and directed by Dennis Devine, Alice in Murderland is a “horror” film filled to the brim with magical mushrooms, sorority sisters, cleavage, murder, and bitchiness.

It all begins when Alice’s sorority sisters decide to hold her 21st birthday (Alice in Wonderland-themed) in the same house that Alice’s mother was murdered in twenty years ago.

Oh, the sorority sisters…what a, uh, “lovely” bunch. The group includes: Alice (Malerie Grady), the birthday girl; Malory (Marlene Mc’Cohen), Alice’s best friend; Kat (Kelly Kula), an insane bitch; Tiffany (Katie Locke O’Brien), another bitch; Donna (Heath Butler), an airhead; Dee (Jennifer Field), Donna’s friend; Pima (Elizabeth Lam Nguyen), a magical mushroom enthusiast; and Sammantha (Kim Argetsinger), Tiffany’s follower.

But wait…there is a murderer on the prowl, and one by one, the sorority sisters are turning up dead. Will Alice survive her birthday, or will she lose her head?

The murders committed in this film are incredibly cheesy, and no one seems concerned that a killer is running around trying to kill them. An example of this would be when Donna is cornered in the basement by the killer, and instead of screaming or fighting back, she merely says, “You are not a nice person.”

Seriously, Donna? You aren’t going to try to find a weapon and defend yourself? No? You’re just content with throwing a few “hurtful” words at her? Okay.

Since we are discussing Donna, I will mention the most creative part of Alice in Murderland: when Donna is superglued to the toilet. And yes, this brings out my favorite part of horror films: the one-liner. When Tiffany sees Donna stuck to the toilet, she says, “Be sure to stick around.” (Haha.) This scene, apart from seeing Pima run hilariously in the junkyard, has to be one of my favorite parts of the movie.

Even though I did appreciate that scene, there are numerous things I disliked about Alice in Murderland. For one thing, I hated a particular scene. In this scene, Tiffany is conversing with Matt, Alice’s ex-boyfriend, when she reaches down and unties his shoelace. She then says, “Look, your shoelace is untied. I like to please you. Don’t you like to please me?”

I, uh, don’t understand what I am supposed to be learning from this scene. Why did she untie his shoelace? Why didn’t she offer to retie it? And why was Sammantha whisking eggs in the corner of the bedroom? I seriously think this scene should have been deleted because it led absolutely nowhere!

I also despised this movie’s lack of emotion. When the killer is chasing Malory’s uncle and Alice, the uncle, hoping to inspire Alice, says, “You can have a good cry about [this] tomorrow.” What the hell, dude? Do you have no compassion or soul? Alice has just witnessed her friends being murdered, and all you can say is that she can cry tomorrow? Real nice.

Another lack of emotion happens at the end of the film when Alice is reunited with her aunt and Malory. Alice’s aunt asks, “What are you going to do with the [Alice] dress?” Alice replies with, “Burn it.” Casually, the aunt responds, “[Now that] sounds a little extreme.”

Where the hell has the aunt been? Has she not been informed about the numerous murders? Has she not realized that Alice is suffering from emotional trauma? What kind of guardian is Alice being left with?

Oh, and another problem is that Alice cannot do an evil laugh. She really needs some work because I was not convinced that she was either evil or insane.

Overall, Alice in Murderland is a comical movie filled with panties, terrible acting, and cheesy murders.

To watch the trailer, click here

“Supervenus,” directed by Frédéric Doazan, is a horrific short film that shows how Western beauty standards (breast implants, plastic surgery, etc.) can change someone into an almost unidentifiable creature.

Featuring Minnie Driver and Meatloaf, Stage Fright, directed by Jerome Sable, combines comedy, gore, and addictive songs to create one hell of a horror-musical.

Oh, and in case you were wondering, yes, this movie “is based on true events. While the names have been changed to respect the victims and their families, the musical numbers will be performed exactly as they occurred.”

They were damn good musical numbers, too, but we’ll discuss the songs later.

Stage Fright begins with murder: Kylie Swanson (Minnie Driver) is slaughtered after The Haunting of the Opera’s “killer” opening night. Now, ten years later, The Haunting of the Opera will be performed at Center Stage, a camp for musical-nerds, and Kylie Swanson’s daughter, Camilla Swanson (Allie MacDonald), will be the lead actress.

Yet it seems the killer has come back for opening night with a thirst for carnage. Will Camilla survive the night?

I would very much like to discuss the killer, though. The one slaughtering campers happens to be the Phantom from The Haunting of the Opera. Like I mentioned before, he craves murder. Oh, and puns. For instance, after he stabbed someone’s face full of nails, the Phantom, exiting stage-right, says, “Nailed it.” (Get it?)

Another punny moment occurs when the Phantom murders a chorus girl in the bathroom. After sneaking up on her, the Phantom grabs the startled girl, shouts, “Let me help you warm up,” and burns her with scalding shower water.

And for one who supposedly “despises” musicals, the Phantom does tend to sing quite a bit. He is absolutely phenomenal when he harshly sings, “Shut your fucking face. Your musicals are full of shit.”

Oh, and his guitar solo is beautiful! (That is one of my favorite scenes.)

Stage Fright isn’t just packed with puns; it is filled with sexual jokes, as well. My favorite joke from the film is:

Director: “What Japanese tradition involves covering your face all in white?”

Camper: “Bukkake.”

And yes, I am addicted to the songs, including: “We’re Gay,” “Shut Your Fucking Face,” and “Alfonzo.” (If you listen to them, I think you’ll become addicted, too.)

Overall, Stage Fright is a brilliant horror-musical, and I would recommend that EVERYONE watch it!

To watch the trailer, click here

Christian Blaze and Crystal-Dawn Rosales directed Alien Agenda: Project Grey, an absolutely atrocious horror movie. (Oh, and besides directing the film, Blaze also starred as a main character, and if that wasn’t enough, he also was the editor, writer, executive producer, VFX producer, VFX artist, and compositor. Hell, I’m surprised he wasn’t marked down as music composer, caterer, best boy, or gaffer.)

Personally, I didn’t quite understand the plot, so I will have IMDB.com explain it:

“It’s fear that they seek! Dr. Schroder listens to her criminally insane patient as he recounts the story of the murder of his four friends. A story of infidelity, jealousy and revenge takes a strange turn revealing an alien agenda. Chip implants, government mind control, Russian military, and alien visitors, form the puzzle pieces of this science fiction thriller. A search for the answers leads to the truth…It’s our fear that they seek.”

Alien Agenda: Project Grey begins horribly. We are introduced to Reed (Rae-Ann Dillman), an air-headed woman who believes aliens abducted her. She relates her abduction story to a beer-guzzling man who merely grunts as a response and appears incredibly bored. (And this is no surprise because, when looking back, this movie is filled to the brim with characters looking and acting bored.)

The movie must’ve realized their opening scene was lulling people to sleep because they resorted to showing Reed’s boobies. So now, people are waking up to watch Titties McGee, breasts flopping, run through the darkened woods until she is slaughtered by an alien, which we do not see.

Let’s leave Reed’s melons behind, and discuss a more important matter: aliens. Do you know how long I had to wait until I saw an alien on-screen? Almost an hour! Plus, these aliens are animated poorly, and to be honest, they are a real disappointment.

These are the crappy aliens.

Alien Agenda: Project Grey enjoys bouncing from setting to setting. The film began at Madeira Forest, the location where Reed is murdered. For some ungodly reason, the film propelled me to Siberia, where I attempted to listen to the Russian military discuss classified alien information. Next, I am watching someone place flowers on a family member’s grave in the Madeira Cemetery, and after that, I am squished into a car to listen to five friends awkwardly converse.

But these places are nothing compared to the Madeira Mental Health Hospital or Madeira Lake.

Do you remember when I mentioned how all characters look bored? No one looks more bored than Dr. Schroder (Nneka Croal). She remains completely stoic when her only patient bites a chunk out of his arm, and she doesn’t even bat an eyelash when the military storms in, demanding the release of said patient. Oh, and this hospital has also hired a hospital orderly that, instead of being concerned when a patient harms themselves, describes the grisly scene as “cool.” Who the hell is in charge of hiring employees at this hospital?

And then we have Madeira Lake. Within the first few minutes here, Justin (Justin Stillwell) decides to propose to Allie (Allison Warnyca), his girlfriend. This could have been a touching scene; however, Justin ruined the moment when he began his proposal with, “I don’t care about your money.” Smooth, Justin. Smooth.

After this awkward proposal scene, I am forced to spend the next five minutes watching all five friends play poker and drink. While this is an excellent pastime, I, personally, believe the directors should’ve focused their energy on other scenes. (This scene offers nothing; we are provided no character development or plot update. It’s just people gambling and getting drunk.)

Soon, though, one of their friends goes missing. Mitzi (Mitzi Jones) calls 911, and the dispatcher, sounding bored, doesn’t attempt to help at all. The dispatcher recommends that the friends stay at their campsite because the police can’t do anything. (Seriously? A missing person is pretty important – you can’t send one cop over?)

And the friends, instead of looking for their friend, take the dispatcher’s advice. They sit around a campfire and toast marshmallows, exchanging stories and laughing. Really? REALLY?

Overall, Alien Abduction: Project Grey is terrible, and I would not recommend watching it.

To watch the trailer, click here

The Ouija Experiment, directed by Israel Luna, focuses upon one Ouija Board, three restless spirits, and five stupid adults.

Ah, let’s begin with the adults, shall we? First, we meet Brandon (Carson Underwood), a film student from the New York Film Academy. Next, we are introduced to Shay (Belmarie Huynh) and Calvin (Eric Window), the world’s most annoying couple. Lastly, we see LyNette (Swisyzinna), Calvin’s sister, and Michael (Justin Armstrong), who is the genius who wanted to mess with the Ouija Board in the first place.

Before they can even touch the board, though, Michael, who is apparently a Ouija expert, announces the three rules for playing with a Ouija Board:

  1. You should “never ask a spirit how it died.”
  2. You should “never ask a spirit how you’ll die.”
  3. And the most important rule: “You should never leave the board without saying goodbye.”

Simple question: can you guess which rule this group broke?

Because they are freed from their prison, the three spirits begin to haunt the group; however, one spirit, the evilest one, starts to murder members of the group. Can the adults survive, or will the sinister spirit take their lives?

Even though this film was interesting, I do have some criticisms with it. For instance, I believe this horror movie dwelled way too much upon Shay and Calvin’s unhealthy relationship. The audience, unfortunately, is constantly subjected to entire scenes of just Shay and Calvin bickering.

Plus, the audience is forced to witness Shay’s psychotic breakdown when she begins to ask a Ouija Board who Calvin was talking to the other night. Yep, Shay is a complete nutcase.

I also became upset with LyNette because of how she handled ghosts in her home. Even though she knew an evil entity was stalking her, she a) turned off all the lights and b) didn’t lock her bedroom door. And for some unknown reason, LyNette kept opening her bedroom door even though she knew a creepy little ghost was waiting outside for her!

And the last criticism: the ending was completely terrible.

Yet The Ouija Experience does have one redeeming quality: LyNette and Calvin are one-liner geniuses. I would recommend watching this film solely for the comedic dialogue. Personally, I bet they worked pretty hard on, “Look, I don’t know karate, but I know crazy.”

Overall, The Ouija Experience is a horror movie one should watch only if they are interested in one-liners and constant bickering.

To watch the trailer, click here

“The Bad Cookie,” directed by Drew Daywalt, is an interesting horror short that tells the tale of Denise (Denise Daywalt), a “pretty little lady” who “[loves] pug dogs, online Sudoku, and Halloween;” Christopher (Erin Gali), an awful boyfriend; and a murderous Halloween cookie.

And after watching this short, you’ll never look at a cookie in the same way.

Alien Abduction, directed by Matty Beckerman, is a unique horror film; it showcases “actual leaked footage [of aliens],” which was found on “the camcorder of autistic 11 year old Riley Morris.” (Morris and his family disappeared the night they went camping at Brown Mountain, North Carolina.)

Brown Mountain is quite famous for their Brown Mountain Lights. These extraterrestrial lights have been seen as early as 1913 by a local fisherman.

And all hell breaks loose once Riley and his two siblings see the Brown Mountain Lights in 2014.

To be perfectly honest, when I first turned Alien Abduction on, I thought I was going to be disappointed. In the very first scene, I saw an alien hand holding a camcorder, and I instantly thought, “Wow, this is super lame.” Plus, everything was blurry, and frankly, I had no idea what the hell was going on.

But I gave it a few more minutes because I am interested in alien movies. (And guess what? It turned out to be a decent movie.)

Alien Abduction, unlike other horror movies, centers on a wonderful family. I found myself cheering for them, urging them on, and when family members died, my heart broke, and I cried.

Even though I appreciated this family, I still have a few issues regarding them. For instance, they were too damn loud. When running from aliens, one should probably shut up and lay low. Nah, not this family; they preferred to breathe loudly, crunch over twigs and bushes, and scream madly.

The Morris family also doesn’t understand how to stay hidden. Again, when running from aliens, should you: (1) extinguish all lights and hide in pure darkness or (2) shine your camera light in the alien’s face?

This family also leaves each other behind. While running through shrubbery, Riley’s sister, after Riley trips, continues to run away, leaving poor Riley, crying and scared, behind. Nice sister.

Because the Morris family does have a few issues, I was ecstatic when they bumped into Sean (Jeff Bowser), the helpful redneck. During the movie, Sean offers the family shelter, guns, gas, transportation, and hiding sports. Thank you, Sean, for being awesome!

Yet this useful redneck faces the same demise as the rest of the Morris family: abduction. Once the alien’s light touches you, your back snaps in half, and your arms snap backwards…and holy crap, it looked painful.

I have one final problem with the film, and it is when Riley’s camera, which has been taken into space with his crushed body, spirals back towards Earth and lands, perfectly, near Brown Mountain. I mean, wouldn’t the camera have landed elsewhere?

Overall, I would recommend Alien Abduction, and I want you to remember: “When them lights show up, bad shit gets to happening.”

To watch the trailer, click here.