Archive for November, 2014

I’ve watched Dead Snow and Jack Frost? Damn, I must really be in a Christmassy mood, huh?

Directed by Michael Cooney, Jack Frost is a horror comedy centering on a murdering snowman that terrorizes the townspeople, especially Sheriff Sam Tiler (Christopher Allport), of Snowmonton.

And the psychopathic snowman slaughters people in the grisliest ways possible. For instance, Jack Frost decapitated Billy, a local bully, with his sled; his head flew clean off. Sally, Billy’s mother, is choked with festive Christmas lights, and her head is repeatedly bashed against beautiful ornaments. And Jake, Billy’s father, is finished when an entire axe is jammed down his throat.

Even though Jack Frost is crazy, he still manages to unleash some powerfully comedic puns. Here are a few of my favorites:

  • [I’m] the world’s most pissed-off snow cone.
  • Is it cold in here, or is it just me?
  • Listen, I got a point to make with you. [Said after hitting someone with an icicle.]
  • Don’t eat yellow snow.

And the only thing that can kill Jack Frost is…antifreeze! (We discover this fact when the Sheriff pours his son’s “special” antifreeze oatmeal onto Jack Frost, who starts to howl and burn. What child uses antifreeze in oatmeal?!)

Overall, Jack Frost was decently comical. Who knows…you might even begin looking at snowmen in a whole new light.

To watch the trailer, click here

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After decorating the Christmas tree and grabbing a piping cup of cocoa, why not watch Nazi zombies tear some college students apart in Dead Snow, directed by Tommy Wirkola?

It all begins when a group of students travel to a cabin located in the middle of nowhere atop snowy cliffs. (And isn’t it great that only one person knows the way back to the car and that same person is the only one who possesses a vehicle to traverse the snowy wasteland?)

That one person, Vegard (Lasse Valdal), leaves, taking his knowledge of the car and his snowmobile, to locate his girlfriend, who is lost in the mountains. Once he is gone, Nazi zombies begin “popping out of the snow like daises,” and begin savagely ripping the students apart. Will they survive, or will they all perish?

The Characters

There are numerous characters in Dead Snow, but I only want to discuss two: Hanna (Charlotte Frogner), a Helena Bonham Carter look-alike with dreads, and Martin (Vegar Hoel), who reminded me of Ash Williams from Evil Dead.

I enjoyed Hanna because, when the Nazi zombies were attacking the cabin, she instantly sprang into action. She located weapons for everyone, and, unlike other horror movie characters, actually could use her knife to wound a few zombies.

Soon, though, I lost respect for Hanna because a) she thought it would be a good idea to split up from her group and b) she never shut up – she screamed constantly. (It is never a good idea to constantly scream because zombies/monsters/killers/ghosts can instantly find you.)

Besides, Hanna was a complete bitch to Liv (Evy Kasseth Rosten), her friend – Hanna, again, wanted to split up, and, in doing so, left Liv to be eaten alive by zombies.

And then, we have Martin, the medical student who fears blood. But then, in a matter of minutes, he transforms into a total badass, slaughtering zombies with knives and a chainsaw, and not even caring that zombie blood and intestines have splattered all over his face.

Plus, Martin, after a zombie bites him, slices his arm off with his chainsaw and cauterizes his wound on a burning Nazi zombie carcass. This scene was amazingly awesome, and it reminded me of Evil Dead.

The Problems

  • Where the hell did Vegard locate a machinegun for his snowmobile?
  • Why did we need a five-minute death scene for Hanna with Roy screaming, “Martin,” in the background?
  • If Martin had the car keys in his pocket the entire time, how would Liv and Hanna, if they had managed to reach the car, drive to safety?
  • How did Oberst Herzog (Orjan Gamst), a Nazi leader zombie, who was casually standing atop a snowy bank, reach Roy (Stig Frode Henriksen), who was running for his life?
  • And why, exactly, did the Nazi zombies come back to life now to locate one small box of treasure?

The Soundtrack

Holy crap, I absolutely loved Dead Snow’s soundtrack. One of my favorite moments, when Martin and Roy are fighting hordes of zombies, happens to “Min dag,” created by Age Aleksandra.

And I loved how this zombie movie began with Edvard Grieg’s “In the Hall of the Mountain King,” and how they included Beethoven’s “Ode to Joy.”

If you’d like to view the entire soundtrack list, click here.

Overall, I did enjoy Dead Snow because it was comically horrifying, and I would highly recommend it this holiday season. Who wouldn’t want to find this DVD or Dead Snow 2: Red vs. Dead in their stocking?

To watch the trailer, click here

Videogram

Posted: November 25, 2014 in Twisted Tunes
Tags: , ,

Videogram, a full-length album from Sellergren, featuring drums from Jimmy C, is “dedicated to the directors, producers, actors, composers and video labels of 1980’s horror and exploitation.” The addicting album contains songs inspired by cannibals, maniacs, and more.

Like a ravenous leech, Sellergren’s music will attach itself to your brain, and you will be hooked.

One of my favorite songs, “Walpurgisnacht,” began once the clock tolled and thunder crashed. And when Jimmy C.’s drums started, I was transported into a song that chilled and excited me. In all honesty, “Walpurgisnacht” would sound incredible if pumped into a haunted house; the ominously upbeat tune would definitely entice ghosts to dance.

Maniac, a 1980’s slasher-film directed by William Lustig, inspired, “I Warned You Not To Go Out Tonight,” another one of my favorites. This deliciously dark song belongs in a horror movie; every time I listen to it, shivers race up my spine, and I feel like someone is lurking in the darkness behind me. (Because “I Warned You Not To Go Out Tonight” has an addictive beat, I would highly recommend it for runners…you know, if you are ever running away from a crazed maniac.)

Ah, cannibals! Persistent drumbeats dominate “Eaten Alive,” a cannibal freak-out track. The hectic drums and the unnerving synthesizer create an amazing combination, and the feeling of discord and uneasiness will continue to haunt you well after the song is over.

“Charles Bronson” is a badass song, and Bronson himself, an American film and television actor, inspired it. This song personifies who Bronson was: a tough guy. If I ever had to enter a fight, “Charles Bronson” would be my theme song. And once the clapping begins, wow! I loved it!

Oh, and I thoroughly enjoyed listening to “The Tooth Fairy Theme.” Did you know it was inspired by Manhunter, a 1986 movie about a serial killer nicknamed the “Tooth Fairy” because he bit his victim’s cheeks? Anyway, the song was extremely pleasant to listen to, and it isn’t a song that you will want to brush aside. (Haha, tooth pun.)

Overall, Sellergren has created hauntingly beautiful songs, and I recommend listening to Videogram if you love horror movies and want to be transported to the 80’s.

To listen to Videogram, click here.

The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari, directed by Robert Weine, contained two chilling characters. Dr. Caligari (Werner Krauss), the top-hatted murderer, with his large spectacles and bulging eyes, frightened me. And Cesare (Conrad Veidt), the somnambulist, terrified me, too; he looked like a possessed mime.

Dr. Caligari creeps me out!

 

For those characters alone, I commend The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari.

It all starts when Francis (Friedrich Feher) begins telling a story to a man he met in the garden; the story revolves around himself, his friend, Alan, and his fiancée, Jane.

Francis and Alan, a Matt Smith look-alike, venture to the fair, where they encounter the evil Dr. Caligari and Cesare. Alan asks Cesare, who can predict the future, when he will die, and Cesare replies, “At first dawn!” (SPOILER) The next morning, Alan is dead, and Francis suspects Cesare.

Soon, Cesare is ordered to kill again. His victim? Jane. But because Cesare becomes so entranced by Jane’s beauty, he can’t bring himself to murder her; instead, he kidnaps her. (He does, though, drop her when villagers form an angry mob and begin to chase him.)

And, during this time, guess where Dr. Caligari sneaks away to? The psychiatric hospital, where Francis learns Dr. Caligari is the director, the man in charge. But after numerous journal entries are found, detailing his descent into madness, Dr. Caligari is placed into a straitjacket and locked away forever.

Or was he?

The twist ending was fantastic, and I commend the director because it truly messed with my brain. (I am still trying to sort it all out while I write this review.)

Oh, and I loved the scene that showcases Dr. Caligari spiraling into madness. The man, lost and confused, wanders about a forest as “Du musst Caligari werden” flashes across the screen. This scene brilliantly captured insanity, especially when Dr. Caligari tries to touch the words.

And, like other reviews have mentioned, the art style is phenomenally creepy. The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari happened during the German Expressionist movement, where designs were painted on the floors and walls to represent shadows and objects.

The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari was a creepy silent film, and I would recommend it to people who enjoy the German Expressionist movement, artistic films, or twist endings.

To watch The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari, click here

Grab some turkey and sweet potatoes, and watch these Thanksgiving-related horror movies while cuddled up on the couch:

Blood Freak, 1972

“A biker comes upon a girl with a flat tire and offers her a ride home. He winds up at a drug party with the girl’s sister, then follows her to a turkey farm owned by her father, a mad scientist. The father turns the biker into a giant turkey monster who goes after drug dealers.”

Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead, 2006

“When the American Chicken Bunker, a military-themed fried-chicken chain, builds a restaurant on the site of an ancient Indian burial ground, local protesters aren’t the only ones crying fowl! The previous tenants, fueled by a supernatural force, take “possession” of the food and those who eat it, and the survivors discover that they must band together before they themselves become the other white meat!”

ThanXgiving (2006) Poster

ThanXgiving, 2006

“A group of film students travel deep into the woods to make a movie, thinking that they’ve found the perfect location in the form of an abandoned campground.”

ThanksKilling (2009) Poster

ThanksKilling, 2009

“A homicidal turkey axes off college kids during Thanksgiving break.”

*All the synopsis’s were taken from IMDB.com. 

Tentacles, horrendous acting, and DJ Niterider’s sick tunes…yep, this is what holds together The Corrupted, a horror film directed by John Klappstein and Knighten Richman.

The synopsis, according to IMDB.com, reads: “A group of twenty-somethings are enjoying their stay at a lakeside cabin when a series of frightening and bizarre events derail their weekend.”

Oh, and the introduction was just fabulous! As the opening credits roll, I was forced to watch Jeremy, a hippie ginger, strum his guitar while watching waves roll ashore. Soon, a bikini-clad blonde strolled towards Jeremy, and after whispering something into his ear, the screen faded to black.

From that introduction, I knew The Corrupted wouldn’t be good, but I still watched it, hoping, no, praying that it would prove me wrong.

I should have definitely gone with my gut and just stopped watching it.

Do you want to know why Jeremy begins acting differently once the blonde woman whispers in his ear? (SPOILERS) He was, somehow, possessed by a tentacle creature. The Corrupted, though, never explains what the tentacles are, where they came from, or why they are infecting people.

I do know that these tentacles can shoot acidic slime, and they are infecting people in the nearby community. Other than that, I was lost.

I became frustrated because this movie never explained who some of the tentacle people were. Who is the bikini-clad blonde? Was she the leader? Or might the leader have been the creepy old man who lurked in the shrubbery, breathing heavily?

And, now that I think about it, what was up with Lily’s rash? True, she bumped into something in the lake, but what did she brush against? If a tentacle touched her, why would it give her a rash? Why not possess her?

Another downfall of The Corrupted? The actors. No one could act. During ‘scary’ scenes, not one actor could convince me that they were scared. Who, when they see a blood-stained corpse, merely widens their eyes and stiffly walks backwards? Ugh, their acting was pitiful.

Also, why did the directors waste film on unimportant moments? A philosophical moment is not needed in a creature-feature, especially when it ends with: “There’s no more or less to life. It’s just life.” (I bet it took them ages to write that “inspirational” line.) And then, for another five minutes, I had to watch all the teenagers dance horribly to DJ Niterider’s awful music.

With these two scenes in mind, I ask: why?! Why bother including two horrendous scenes that bring absolutely nothing to the story?

I guess I should find something decent to say about The Corrupted, huh? Ah, I got it: the dialogue was hilarious. Here are some of my favorite lines:

  • “Who else here has gotten hammered and got a helicopter to chase them?”
  • “The hairy one with a hangover.”
  • “Your face hurts my eyes.”
  • “What about love, puppies, old geezers?”
  • “They were all wasted efforts on sparkling piles of shit.”

I did not, if you haven’t noticed, like The Corrupted. The acting was horrendous, nothing was explained, and it wasn’t scary at all. I would not recommend it.

To watch the trailer, click here

If you love ravenous lampreys, horrendous acting, and terrible parenting, then, by all means, watch Blood Lake: Attack of the Killer Lampreys, a creature-feature directed by James Cullen Bressack.

The synopsis, according to IMDB.com, reads: “After chomping through the fish population, thousands of starved lampreys begin attacking the citizens of a sleepy lake town, and the community scrambles to stay alive.”

Yep, this movie consists of nothing but lampreys and blood.

True, it was extremely creative because, I mean, who would have thought about killer lampreys? But this film was incredibly boring because we were shown the creatures way too early. I saw nothing but lampreys…this film became almost painful to watch because it was extremely predictable.

And sure, I can go along with the lampreys attacking people, but when did they achieve the ability to leap through the air, crawl over dry terrain, knock over power lines, and gnaw through metal pipes? If they have these superpowers, why would a mere electrical shock stop them?

I can describe the main family in one word: frustrating. Michael (Jason Brooks), the father, only dwells upon work, and Cate (Shannen Doherty), the mother, never quite knows where her children are. And then…there is Kyle (Yar Koosha), the son, who is the most annoying character in the entire movie. He complains and complains and complains!

But thank goodness for Nicole (Ciara Hanna), the daughter, who isn’t entirely irritating. In fact, she becomes quite the badass with a weed whacker, and she destroys quite a few lampreys! You go, Nicole!

All of the other characters, in my opinion, are horrendous. (By this, I mean that no one shows ANY emotion.) How can one enjoy a movie or feel connect to characters when no one shows emotion?

Blood Lake: Attack of the Killer Lampreys does have some pretty grisly death scenes. I cringed when a lamprey attached itself to a man’s eyeball, and he gruesomely ripped it, and his eyeball, off. Oh, and the toilet scene with Christopher Lloyd was pretty gross, too.

Poor, poor Christopher Lloyd.

If only the Mayor (Christopher Lloyd) had listened to Michael, the town, and numerous lives, might have been spared! I will commend the Mayor, though, seeing as he, unlike the other characters, actually showcased emotion throughout the film!

Overall, Blood Lake: Attack of the Killer Lampreys was lame.

To watch the trailer, click here

Directed by Roman Polanski, Rosemary’s Baby, starring Mia Farrow and John Cassavetes, was an amazingly creepy movie filled with strange neighbors, demonic rituals, and tannis root.

Rosemary’s (Mia Farrow) life begins to spiral downhill once Guy (John Cassavetes), her husband, after moving into their new apartment, befriends Minnie (Ruth Gordon) and Roman Castevet (Sidney Blackmer), their eccentrically creepy neighbors.

Soon, strange dreams begin to haunt Rosemary’s mind; in one, she is raped by Satan whilst cult members, including her husband and neighbors, watch and chant. A few days after having this dream, Rosemary discovers she is pregnant. Is she, though, pregnant with Guy’s child, or Satan’s?

Personally, I believe Rosemary should have realized something was wrong sooner, seeing as her husband began acting differently after her rape dream. Instead of celebrating when his wife told him she was pregnant, Guy ran directly to Minnie and Roman. Instead of supporting his wife through her pregnancy, Guy began spending more time away from home, attending to his career.

As you can tell, I hate Guy. I do not have any respect for a man who would sacrifice his own wife to a cult to achieve success and fame. Didn’t he feel guilty? Didn’t he feel remorse? He is a jerk!

And the neighbors, especially Laura Louise, were jerks, too! It was incredibly painful to watch these cult members control Rosemary’s life; they dictated which doctor to visit, what vitamins to drink, and who to talk to. If someone kept controlling me like that, I would want to escape! Unfortunately, it took poor Rosemary forever to try to stand up to them, and by then, it was too late.

And after Rosemary gives birth, I appreciate how the film does not show you what the demonic infant looks like. This way, it is left to the viewer’s imagination. But Rosemary’s smile, when she accepts her child and the cult, left me with an incredibly creepy feeling.

Overall, Rosemary’s Baby was a phenomenal horror movie, and I would highly recommend it.

To watch the trailer, click here.

To listen to the lullaby, click here.

A mother in Ohio is outraged because her daughter’s princess wand, once the foil was removed, revealed a horrific image of a demonic girl slitting her wrists.

This wand, advertised as an “Evil Stick,” creepily laughs instead of playing “beautiful music.” And the image, which shows a young girl cutting herself, is nightmare fuel for any child.

What are your thoughts?