Archive for April, 2014

Amityville Haunting, directed by Geoff Meed, details the horrors the Benson family encounter, through found-footage, when they move into the Amityville Horror house.

The Benson family consists of five strange members: Douglas, the controlling father; Virginia, the protective mother; Laurie, the out-of-control teenager; Tyler, the next Steven Spielberg; and Melanie, the cliché child who has an imaginary friend.

Tyler, the next famous movie director, doesn’t understand, though, that horror movies should be somewhat exciting. Instead, he graces the audience with a clip of his sister in a towel and his family fighting. He doesn’t understand how to zoom, and he doesn’t have a tripod, so every single scene is either blurry or incredibly shaky. Thankfully, though, Douglas installs three more worthless cameras; these capture only two shots of the ghost child. Boy, what a film.

Oh, and in case you weren’t able to see what happened or, like me, you simply stopped paying attention, Tyler, at the end of each day, gives the audience an entire recap of various spooky happenings.

I am absolutely appalled that Amityville Haunting did not check facts; in this film, Ronald DeFeo, Jr. is portrayed as the murdering ghost. However, the Benson family should not be able to see DeFeo, Jr.’s ghost because he is not dead. Currently, he is in the Green Haven Correctional Facility, where he is serving six concurrent sentences of 25 years to life.

Seeing as Ronald is not dead, who is the ghost tormenting the Benson’s? Also, why are these ghosts killing random people? (A good horror movie would have answered these questions.)

Another unrealistic fact portrayed in Amityville Haunting is the house’s floor plans. Instead of finding a house with three floors and the original house’s famous windows, Meed must have said, “Eh, no one will be able to tell the difference if we use a much smaller house with only two floors and leave the famous windows out. Oh, and we won’t even bother to use an attic or basement, even though those rooms were famous in the original Amityville house.”

Tsk-tsk, Meed, You do not have the proper house, and it’s clear you don’t understand what actually happened to Ronald DeFeo, Jr. How can you have an Amityville Horror movie if you mess up on basic facts?

Oh, and the ending absolutely sucks! Laurie, the out-of-control teenager, is brutally ripped apart in her bedroom, and even though she is screaming bloody murder, her family, who are located in the room directly across from her, don’t wake up! And then, Melanie kills her father with a miniscule butter knife. (Seriously, Meed? She couldn’t use a larger knife?)

Overall, Amityville Haunting is a terrible movie because (1) the ghosts were not explained, (2) the characters were awful, and (3) the facts were not checked.

To view the trailer, click here

Advertisements

Do not waste your time on this movie. I repeat, do not waste your time on Key.

Key, directed by Rob Hamilton, is an incredibly unexciting film that follows Pathologist Martin Revell (Nathan Sapsford) after he finds a mysterious key in a suicide victim’s stomach. Instead of depositing the key into the evidence file, which he should have done, Revell steals it, and it leads him on an extremely pointless journey filled with unanswered questions.

Pathologist Revell can be described in three words: depressing, drinker, and awkward. I do feel terrible for him, seeing as his beautiful wife died two years ago, but that does not grant him the right to (1) be an asshole at the bar or (2) ask a random lady out when they meet at the morgue.

But I despise the lady he asks out even more. Her name is Claire Shoe (Jessica Nicole Webb), the suicide victim’s daughter, and she is freaking psycho. She, I guess, has absolutely no life because she continuously follows Revell around, even breaking into his home. When she is invited over for wine, she begins to sneak around his house, trying to locate the key. If I had been Revell, I would have requested a restraining order against Shoe, and I would have tried to leave town.

In one particular scene, Revell realizes that his wife might have once possessed the key, so he begins to rewind old home videos to locate it. And of course, so the movie can continue, Revell sees his wife holding the key and acting insane. After seeing his wife holding the key, Revell acts completely surprised and shocked. I mean, what the hell, Revell?! While you lived with your wife, you didn’t notice her holding a huge black key? Really? I guess we can tack one more word to his character: clueless.

There are so many scenes, like the one mentioned above, that don’t make sense, or leave things unanswered. For instance, Shoe and Revell look at a particular painting, which I had hoped would tie into the main storyline; however, this painting just leaves more questions unanswered. Why was the key painted into a hellish scene? Who possessed the key? What did the key do to the painter? Was the key crafted by Satan? What does the painting actually mean?

The key is another huge error in Key. What the hell is wrong with it? Why does it control people? Does it actually control people? Why does it make people go insane? I just don’t understand…

Instead of Key, watch The Lord of the Rings. Both films have items that will make you become insane after possessing them for a long time; however, The Lord of the Rings actually explains WHY the ring makes people go crazy.

Also, The Lord of the Rings will not leave you with a headache, yet Key will. (If you do make the mistake of watching this movie, remember to take some Advil. The horrendous acting and terrible storyline will leave you with such a migraine.)

Overall, Key is absolutely pointless, and I would highly recommend you not waste 87 minutes of your life watching it.

To view the trailer, click here

Where do I even begin when reviewing The Cloth, a horrendously horrible film directed by Justin Price?

This movie follows Jason (Kyler Willett), a bitter man, who, for some odd reason, joins the Cloth, which is a secret organization dedicated to battling demons. Over the course of seven days, they must defeat possessed individuals, and try to save the world from becoming Beelzebub’s personal playground.

Do not watch this movie; I repeat, do not watch this film.

Let us begin with the first issue: the Cloth. This secret organization contains only two members: Jason, the godless man, and Father Dikeman (Lassiter Holmes). Now, if I ran a secret organization, I would definitely recruit more people, and I would want members who are dedicated to our cause. Yet, for some reason, this organization only hired one priest and a self-centered jerk. Yep, this sounds like the perfect duo to save the world from a bunch of demons.

Oh wait, I forgot to mention two more unimportant members: Laurel (Perla Rodriquez), the soft-spoken historian, and Helix (Cameron White), the weapon guy. Laurel, I guess, was only added because she served as a “love interest” character. Yet this storyline wasn’t exactly developed. Why would she want him anyway? I thought she was devoted solely to God, not her own desires.

And then we have the idiotic Helix, who doesn’t actually accomplish anything or help out in dire situations. For instance, when Laurel is kidnapped, Helix doesn’t even help her! When Jason arrives, hours later, Helix nonchalantly states, “Laurel is gone.” Umm…your friend was just kidnapped; couldn’t you at least show some sense of danger or something? Helix is an absolutely worthless character!

The second issue was The Cloth’s camera shots. Most of the time, the camera was positioned too low, so many characters are missing their foreheads. Oh, and every single action shot is way too blurry; it is extremely poor quality. I could have created better videos with my iPhone.

The third issue begins when Jason, after Laurel is kidnapped, drives to a priest’s (Eric Roberts) house and punches him. It’s a 3-minute scene that is definitely not needed. I mean, Jason should have been taking that time to find and save Laurel, but no, he decided that punching an unimportant priest was more beneficial. Way to go, idiot.

At the end, after defeating an extremely easily killed demon, Helix, Jason, and Laurel exit the cave while laughing and cracking jokes. Are you kidding me? For seven days, demons were possessing people, and the Cloth, instead of exorcising these innocent people, blew them up with holy bombs and special bullets. Countless individuals have been murdered, their souls taken, yet Jason and Laurel only want to find a place to get their groove on. Oh, and Laurel, only minutes before, had been possessed. Shouldn’t she be hugging her cross and praising the Lord? I hate these characters.

Do you know what the best part of The Cloth was? Some of the dialogue. My favorite line was uttered by Helix when he said, “Somebody slap me with the Devil’s nut sack.” It is also hilarious when Jason says to Helix, “You know you missed everything, right?” Kudos, I guess, to Price for writing a few brilliant lines of dialogue.

Overall, The Cloth is a terrible movie; the demons aren’t scary, the camera angles suck, and the acting is horrendous. Like Jason said, “God don’t like ugly,” which is why God, and everyone else, wouldn’t like this movie.

To watch the trailer, click here.

Jug Face, directed by Chad Crawford Kinkle, is the story of Ada (Lauren Ashley Carter), a teenager pregnant with her brother’s child, who attempts to escape her death which was destined by the Pit, a supernatural ditch of water that either heals or kills.

Dawai (Sean Bridgers), the Potter, has the unique ability to become possessed by the Pit; it guides his hand to sculpt the face of whoever the Pit wants sacrificed into its cool and muddy waters. Ada, though, is terrified when she discovers that it is her face that Dawai has sculpted, and she promptly hides the jug face in the woods. Yet this leads to complications because it angers the Pit, who begins slaughtering other members of the backwoods community.

The terrifying ditch of bloody water known as the Pit remains a constant mystery because we never truly learn what lurks beneath it. Is it a ghost? A demonic entity? A creature that thirsts for the blood of the innocent? Well whatever is hiding in the Pit is absolutely horrifying for it can strike at any moment.

Ada, a confused teenager, is a surprisingly strong protagonist. Instead of caving into her family’s demands, she attempts to rebel against them, and even tries to escape their terrible clutches. In their community, a woman is only supposed to birth babies; however, Ada believes there is more to life. She also goes against the Pit’s wishes; she doesn’t want to die, and she will do anything to save herself and her unborn child. It is rare to see a strong female protagonist in a horror film, so it was truly invigorating to see Ada trying to survive.

I had, though, hoped Dawai and Ada would become a couple. When they are both tied up near the Pit, Dawai whispers to Ada, “I love you.” It is an incredibly touching scene, and I began to cry. I kept hoping they would both escape. Unfortunately, that doesn’t happen. Gosh, Jug Face is full of feels; it is an emotional roller coaster.

And yes, this movie does contain graphic and violent scenes. (If you are squeamish, Jug Face might not be the movie for you.) There is one scene of incest, a whipping scene, a miscarriage, a mother burning her daughter with a cigarette, and various throats that are slit. I repeat, if you are squeamish, you might want to avert your eyes.

Overall, Jug Face was an amazingly intense movie that will stay with you for a long time. It might even make you fearful of pottery and water-filled pits.

Rated R for bloody violence, language and brief sexuality.

To watch the trailer, click here.

Directed by Fernando Barreda Luna, Atrocious, a Spanish horror film, is an “atrocious” movie that follows two teenagers as they attempt to solve an urban legend during their Easter Holiday. Instead of explaining this legend, though, Cristian (Cristian Valencia) and his sister, July (Claral Moraleda), uncover their own mother’s terrible past.

Let us begin with the characters: Cristian, the jerk; July, the annoyance; and Debora, the murderer. Cristian was a douchebag because he left July alone in the woods, and he seemed to be melded with his camera, never putting it down even to help his bleeding sister. July was bothersome; she gave me a headache from her constant screaming and whimpering. And, of course, we have Debora, or Elvira, the murdering mother.

While we are on the subject of Debora, or Elvira, it seems that after her third child’s, Michelle, birth, Debora went crazy, and killed her child. However, years passed, and Debora had another child, Jose, and supposedly loved her previous two children, Cristian and July. If she had such a “psychotic issue,” why didn’t she kill all her children earlier? And why did she need them to be at their summer home? Frankly, this whole “crazy mother” plotline needs revision.

Also, why did Atrocious decide to focus so heavily on an urban legend that would never be solved? The legend, which involves a girl, Melinda, from the 1940’s who was lost in the woods, is a much scarier plotline. Carlos, a family friend, discusses how no one should turn their back on Melinda, and how locals never forget her terrifying sound. That sounds a lot more chilling than the “psychotic mother.”

Ah, yes, the camera shots are definitely Paranormal Activity-esque; if you (for some odd reason) love found footage camera shots, Atrocious is the movie for you. Throughout most of the movie, I couldn’t even see what was supposed to be scary because the camera shots were so crappy.

And just look at what you have to view for most of the movie: shrubbery, rocks, and leaves. Hell, this movie should be called Botany because it’s literally minutes upon minutes of seeing various branches hitting the lens and looking into bushes. Even Cristian states, “There’s nothing to film but trees.”

Atrocious also overplays the “darkness” element. For instance, we constantly hear, “If you’re lost or alone at nightfall…” or, “This must be really spooky at night.” Yeah, we get it. Horrific things happen at nighttime; we don’t need the constant reminders jammed down our throat.

This movie also leaves various questions unanswered. Did Debora kill their Father? Is this why he never returned? If this movie is not based around a paranormal entity, then how did the cup mysteriously fall in the kitchen? Why is the well important? What is the importance of the urban legend? How did Jose become burned?

Overall, Atrocious is, actually, terrible. I mean, if you love shaky footage, terrible shots of branches, and a plot that doesn’t even make sense, by all means, watch it. But if you are looking for something that will actually terrify you, skip this film.

Rated R for grisly images and language throughout. 

To watch the trailer, click here

Boo, directed by Anthony C. Ferrante, is about, of course, a group of teenagers that trespass into an abandoned hospital on Halloween. Instead of finding their “Halloween spirit,” they find a malicious spirit who is looking for a body to possess; with said body, this entity would be able to leave the hospital, which he deems his own personal Hell.

Our protagonist, Jessie (Trish Coren), is extremely resourceful and clever. Jessie, unlike other foolish horror movie characters, finds weapons, and attempts to defend herself from ghostly attacks. She also possesses the ability to converse with ghosts, and she is prone to having visions about the hospital’s history. All in all, I would definitely want Jessie on my team if I was stuck in a haunted hospital containing a ghost who is trying to kill me.

Boo also contains the following characters: Kevin (Jilan VanOver), the douchebag; Emmett (Happy Mahoney), the techie; Marie (Nicole Rayburn), the whore; Freddy (Josh Holt), the “Shaggy;” Allan (Michael Samluk), the wannabe cop; Dynamite Jones (Dig Wayne), the washed-up actor; and Duchess, the dog.

But don’t worry about these daft characters; one by one, the ghost (M. Steven Felty) tries to possess them. However, seeing as the ghost doesn’t quite know how the human body works, the bodies begin to slowly fall apart. Even though this sounds incredibly grotesque, it does lead into one of the funniest scenes of the movie.

The scene begins when Emmett, who has just been possessed, begins melting and dripping. Kevin, the comic douchebag, says, “Oh Jesus, Emmett, you’re dripping.” This part actually made me LOL, and I thought it was a great little line.

However, I must slice off a few points due to incredibly painful groaner lines. For instance, when Allan finds his sister, Meg, he says, “I don’t believe in ghosts.” Her reply? “Don’t worry, you will.” This line actually made me flinch in pain because it is too cheesy. Another groaner line is when Allan says, “You can’t always run away from your problems…they’ll come back to haunt you.” Ugh, this line is terrible. I mean, I absolutely adore puns, but this line was not needed.

And more points must be taken off because Allan, the wannabe cop, and Dynamite Jones, the washed-up actor, use way too many bullets for one villain. Instead of conserving their ammo, they shoot a possessed teenager about fifteen times, wasting all their ammo. I doubt Jessie would have been that careless had she been given a gun.

Yet Boo was incredibly creative, and the haunted hospital was designed beautifully. I wouldn’t want to get locked in there alone, and I certainly wouldn’t want something possessing me, making my fingers melt and fall off.

Boo was a decent horror movie; the plot kept me genuinely intrigued, and the characters had interesting personalities. As the movie progresses, you’ll notice it “just keeps getting better and better.”

Rated R for horror violence/gore and language.

To watch the trailer, click here.

Directed by Glenn Ciano, Inkubus (2011) is a “killer” horror film.

We begin at the Woodhaven Police Department, a “shit hole,” where Detective Caretti (Joey Fatone) is questioning Miles (Kevin DeCristofano), who supposedly killed his girlfriend, Jenny Garrison.

Yet an unknown man soon arrives, and when he arrives, everyone understands that he is the killer because he brings Garrison’s decapitated head. He is also under suspicion because he drives a blood-red van, which is packed full of bloody body parts.

After being interrogated, this man, known only as Inkubus, escapes. As he swirls around as black mist, he begins killing each team member because “it’s what [he] does.”

Inkubus was an absolutely brilliant villain; he was clever, mischievous, and had such a great voice. He was played by Robert Englund, who is famous for playing Freddy Krueger in Nightmare on Elm Street. And like Freddy, Inkubus also used a “hand” weapon to scare and slaughter his victims.

Englund, in this role, is incredibly humorous; I couldn’t stop laughing! For instance, when one of the police officers asks Inkubus what his date of birth is, he replied, “When was Lucifer cast out of Heaven?” When Inkubus is asked about his address, he said, “All of creation.” Englund is witty and absolutely phenomenal!

And then we have Joey Fatone, who attempted to star as the main protagonist. Frankly, when I saw him, I burst out laughing because I thought, “Why is a member of N’ Sync in a horror movie?”  Fatone brings no flare, no pizazz, no nothing; all he does is yell and worry about his annoying “Girlfriend.” In fact, I would have preferred if he was “Gone” from Inkubus.

Throughout this movie, we are, for some odd reason, given this terrible back-story about Caretti’s pregnant wife, who dies while trying to give birth to a demon-child. These scenes seem incredibly forced, and to be honest, it doesn’t exactly make sense. Without these scenes, Inkubus would have greatly been enhanced.

You know another way Inkubus would have been better? I will tell you: instead of focusing on cuckoo Detective Caretti, who is locked away in an insane asylum, Inkubus should have just killed him. With Caretti going “Bye Bye Bye,” the audience wouldn’t have had to listen to his constant yelling and whimpering and banging his head on the wall for minutes at a time. I think we would have all felt a little more “closure” if that were the true ending.

Yes, I will admit it: Inkubus was a fantastic film. And remember: “Abra-fucking-cadabra.”

Rated R for horror violence/gore, language and some sexuality.

To watch the trailer, click here.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to my blog.

Within days, this blog, I hope, will be overflowing with horror reviews and my own twisted short stories/poetry that possess my soul and nightmares every single waking moment. (For your entertainment, too, I also hope to add creepy little movies from the dark side of YouTube.)

Horror has infected me, haunted me; it fills me with inky darkness.

To escape this blackness, I write. I compose honest reviews and fascinating stories. I am always waiting for my latest inspiration to slither under my skin.

Tonight, I review.

Tonight, you read.

Tonight, we experience true horror.