Attila (2013) Film Review

Posted: October 16, 2014 in Horrendous Horror Movies
Tags: , , ,

The movie begins with the promising line of, “Every battle was a victory.” Unfortunately, Attila, directed by Emmanuel Itier, lost their battle because this movie was pretty awful.

Attila’s synopsis, according to IMDB.com, reads: “When American soldiers inadvertently steal Attila the Hun’s secret riches, the wrath of the barbarian is awakened; the mummified warrior will stop at nothing to kill the intruders.”

After reading this synopsis, I must clarify something: Attila the Hun is not, unfortunately, the antagonist. Once I realized Attila would not be the villain, I became rather upset. I mean, why would a movie call itself Attila if Attila isn’t even important in it? This movie should’ve been titled Nomad, seeing as Attila’s nomadic son is the main baddie.

The nomad, I will admit, is extremely tough. He cannot be stopped with bullets, explosives, or karate. And I had to laugh because Attila, for some reason, dedicated three entire scenes to karate sequences. If the roundhouse kick didn’t work the first time, why would it work the next two times?

That kick will do no damage.

And why did this film need three explosion scenes? The nomadic killer survives a grenade explosion and being shot with a missile launcher, but then “perishes” when a tiny explosive is glued to his back? I guess no one could think of a better ending.

While all his men are fighting the nomad, you know what the General is doing? He is sitting in his office, drinking Gentleman Jack Bourbon Whiskey. Yeah, they made sure to zoom up on that bottle during an unimportant scene. This scene only promoted Gentleman Jack Bourbon Whiskey. (Perhaps you should buy some Gentleman Jack Bourbon Whiskey?)

This movie also features an idiotic archaeological doctor. When the doctor begins to handle a decrepit-looking specimen, he doesn’t wear gloves – he uses his bare hands. When he cuts himself on a sharp tooth, he doesn’t rinse his wound with soap and water – he merely wipes it with a soiled washcloth and places a Band-Aid on it. The director should have really educated this so-called doctor to make the movie a little more believable.

According to BAND-AID.com, one should “thoroughly flush and clean the affected area with mild soap and water.” After that, you may place a band-aid over your cut.

The so-called doctor also packages the Staff of Moses, which is “Attila the Hun’s secret wishes,” in, get this, a cardboard box. This staff can raise the dead and grant immortality, but instead of treating it with respect, the doctor merely throws it into a cardboard box. Nice. Absolutely fantastic.

I should find at least one good thing about this movie, huh? Okay, I have it. I loved when the General, the drinker of Gentleman Jack Bourbon Whiskey, said, “Let’s get down to business,” because I responded with, “To defeat…the Huns!” Yes, Mulan totally works here, and I would have given Attila a higher review if the cast had broken into this song.

Quite frankly, I would skip this movie and watch Mulan whilst drinking Gentleman Jack Bourbon Whiskey.

To watch the trailer, click here.

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