Posts Tagged ‘Creature-Feature’

Oh, the weather outside is frightful, especially when a white-furred creature, covered in frozen flesh and blood, is chasing you through the snow-covered hills of Canada in Snow Beast (2011), directed by Brian Brough.

Three researchers and one rebellious daughter arrive in Canada to study wildlife – yet something has gobbled up every hare and lynx in sight! What could’ve done this?! Only when this question has been asked does the snow beast emerge slowly from the snow, eager to begin the chase for his next meal.

The origin of this snow beast, unfortunately, is never explained. Did he, like one character suggest, board a plane from Tibet and travel to Canada? Is he a genetic mutation? (Personally, I’d like to think he is a distant relative of the wampa from Hoth.)

Mr. Snow Beast is ape-like; he has white-fur, sharp teeth, and a KILLER slap/punch combo! He spends his days barreling through the woods, searching for lost snowboarders, destroying snowmobiles, and dragging frozen corpses back to his snow den.

His diet consists of hare and lynx – Mr. Snow Beast, it seems, would rather punch his human victims and drag them several miles to his home than devour their tasty flesh. Not one victim had a bite-mark – instead of being consumed, Marci (Kari Hawker-Diaz) was frozen into a wall and Rob (Paul D. Hunt), who was gut-punched to death, was left to freeze on the chilly ground.

Instead of devouring Jim (John Schneider), head of the research team, the beast delicately placed him into the snow cave, covered him with freshly-fallen snow, and left him, like Rob, to freeze. Jim, left outside in freezing temperatures for an entire day, should’ve shown signs of hypothermia. But when Emmy (Danielle Chuchran), his daughter, discovers him, Jim awakens, feeling refreshed, rejuvenated, and ready to run!

I expected an epic battle between researchers and the beast – instead, I received an anti-climactic ending, where Jim and Emmy, armed with their flare gun, bury the snow beast in an avalanche. Oh, and they don’t even make sure the beast is dead – they just leave, hand-in-hand, smiles plastered on their unflawed faces.

Boredom is what I experienced while watching Snow Beast – there is nothing horrific about an ape-like beast lumbering around Canada, bitch-slapping people and snarling occasionally.

If you want a campy monster movie, don your deerstalker, cozy up in a cabin, grab some cocoa, and watch Snow Beast.

To watch the trailer, click here

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Clowns, with their over-sized shoes, bulbous noses, and layers upon layers of make-up, frighten me…and after watching the trailer for Fear Itself, an upcoming horror movie directed by Aaron Mirtes, I truly believe Ribcage the Clown and his blood-red balloons might scare me shitless.

Fear Itself revolves around Emma, a college student, who must come face-to-face with her worst nightmare when a psychotic clown begins terrorizing her small town.

For more information about Fear Itself and to help fund their Kickstarter, click here.

To follow them on Twitter, click here.

The Mole Man of Belmont Avenue, a mediocre film directed by Mike Bradecich and John LaFlamboy, revolves around two bumbling (and idiotic) brothers who must fight a carnivorous mole-like creature lurking in the basement of their run-down apartment complex.

Let me introduce our unlikely heroes: Marion (Mike Bradecich) and Jarmon (John LaFlamboy) Mugg, two lousy apartment landlords who worship alcohol and allow their building to deteriorate…until they stumble upon the mole-man.

That, my friends, is when shit gets real.

The two brothers put down their whiskey bottle, board up the vents, attend a training course, and purchase deadly shovels in order to protect their tenants from becoming the creature’s next meal. Will they defeat the mole-man, or die humorously trying?

To be honest, I only watched The Mole Man of Belmont Avenue because Robert Englund was in it – he, a marvelous actor, played a devilishly suave “horny bastard.” His character, proficient in dirty-talk and stashing pornographic magazines, was hilarious, and I was disappointed that he didn’t have more screen-time!

But then the humor vanished whenever the Mugg brothers appeared on-screen; continuous slapstick, pot references, and swearing can’t be considered hysterical. (Perhaps try for some actual jokes?!)

I truly disliked this film because it dragged on and on and on and on…I smiled with delight once it ended, and whooped with glee because I had made it out alive after watching this unfunny film.

Their one redeeming quality: a catchy and upbeat song – you can listen to it here.

If you want to waste 90 minutes of your life, then watch The Mole Man of Belmont Avenue – it’s an unfunny movie filled with bumbling morons, pot, porn, and disappearing pets and tenants.

To watch the trailer, click here.

As a child, I feared something might be lurking under my bed, ready to latch its hairy claw around my tiny ankle and drag me away into the darkness. With this memory in mind, I decided to watch Under the Bed, directed by Steven C. Miller, because I hoped it would play upon my childhood fears.

Boy…was I wrong.

Instead of coming face-to-face with a fearsome creature, Neal (Jonny Weston) and Paulie (Gattlin Griffin), brothers, battle a man in a demon costume living under their bed. (The costume, crafted from rubber, doesn’t represent nightmares – frankly, it looks cheap and idiotic.)

I understand the “monster” lives under the bed, might spawn from Hell, and has a strange obsession with Neal. What I don’t know, and want to know, is:

  1. Why does the creature want Neal? If it is hungry, why not eat Paulie?
  2. Is the creature hungry, blood-thirsty, or does it want to simply converse with the boys?
  3. How did it find itself living under Neal’s bed? (Did it wander in or fill out an application?)
  4. What the hell is it? (A demon? A monster? The brother of the creature from Pan’s Labyrinth?)

And, if the creature has the potential to rip-off heads in a single motion and burn flesh from bones, why does it resort to simple hand-to-hand combat with Neal at the end?! Isn’t that rather pointless?! (I mean, Mr. Creature, you’ve been following Neal for TWO YEARS – just eat him already!)

Also, I truly believe the director or writer watched Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone before writing the ending to Under the Bed. The reason? Both movies showcase deceased mothers fighting evil for their children. Harry Potter has motherly love within, and with it, can burn Voldemort’s face; however, Neal must rely upon his mother’s ashes to melt the creature, I guess? (That is another question I want answered: how exactly can ashes destroy the creature?)

Under the Bed oozes with awkwardness – and, most of the time, the awkwardness heightens when Cara (Kelcie Stranahan), Neal’s next-door neighbor, arrives on-screen. I understand the director wished to create a love story between two teenagers; however, it never blossomed, so why not simply delete those weird scenes?!

Besides, Cara is a heartless bitch – her two brothers are slaughtered right in front of her face by an unknown creature, and she doesn’t even bat an eye or shed a tear. Really?! (She seems to be the real monster – a heartless, emotionless monster!)

Overall, I commend Under the Bed’s creativity and ideas – however, it is full of unanswered questions, a man in a latex suit, and an unnecessary, and heartless, character. If those problems were fixed, Under the Bed, directed by Steven C. Miller, could be labeled a decent horror film.

To watch the trailer, click here

If you love ravenous lampreys, horrendous acting, and terrible parenting, then, by all means, watch Blood Lake: Attack of the Killer Lampreys, a creature-feature directed by James Cullen Bressack.

The synopsis, according to IMDB.com, reads: “After chomping through the fish population, thousands of starved lampreys begin attacking the citizens of a sleepy lake town, and the community scrambles to stay alive.”

Yep, this movie consists of nothing but lampreys and blood.

True, it was extremely creative because, I mean, who would have thought about killer lampreys? But this film was incredibly boring because we were shown the creatures way too early. I saw nothing but lampreys…this film became almost painful to watch because it was extremely predictable.

And sure, I can go along with the lampreys attacking people, but when did they achieve the ability to leap through the air, crawl over dry terrain, knock over power lines, and gnaw through metal pipes? If they have these superpowers, why would a mere electrical shock stop them?

I can describe the main family in one word: frustrating. Michael (Jason Brooks), the father, only dwells upon work, and Cate (Shannen Doherty), the mother, never quite knows where her children are. And then…there is Kyle (Yar Koosha), the son, who is the most annoying character in the entire movie. He complains and complains and complains!

But thank goodness for Nicole (Ciara Hanna), the daughter, who isn’t entirely irritating. In fact, she becomes quite the badass with a weed whacker, and she destroys quite a few lampreys! You go, Nicole!

All of the other characters, in my opinion, are horrendous. (By this, I mean that no one shows ANY emotion.) How can one enjoy a movie or feel connect to characters when no one shows emotion?

Blood Lake: Attack of the Killer Lampreys does have some pretty grisly death scenes. I cringed when a lamprey attached itself to a man’s eyeball, and he gruesomely ripped it, and his eyeball, off. Oh, and the toilet scene with Christopher Lloyd was pretty gross, too.

Poor, poor Christopher Lloyd.

If only the Mayor (Christopher Lloyd) had listened to Michael, the town, and numerous lives, might have been spared! I will commend the Mayor, though, seeing as he, unlike the other characters, actually showcased emotion throughout the film!

Overall, Blood Lake: Attack of the Killer Lampreys was lame.

To watch the trailer, click here

Boobs, boobs, BOOBS!

Did that capture your attention? If “boobs” captured your attention, and you are interested in watching a creature-feature that revolves around bondage and blood play, then Blood Gnome, directed by John Lechago, would be the perfect horror film for you.

The story begins when Daniel (Vinnie Bilancio), a crime scene photographer, is called in to document the latest crime. Yes, this crime scene showcases two naked people who were killed during their “playtime.”

After more murders occur, which all seem to revolve around blood play, Daniel, determined to learn more about “bondage and discipline,” visits Divinity (Melissa Pursley) during her “special” sessions in her garage with her hardcore mistress.

Daniel and his “research.”

Daniel, you’re really going to call visiting Divinity “research?” Get real.

Now, let’s discuss the killer, or rather, in this case, killers. Somehow, these tiny demons are drawn to people experimenting with blood play, and they slash and claw and eat people’s flesh. (The death scenes are never gory, and the blood looks like paint. It was pretty disappointing.)

Oh, and these tiny creatures are invisible to everyone, except Daniel, who, for some ungodly reason, licked their blood off his hands and arms after fighting with them. (I guess he did learn something from his sessions, huh?)

But what I really love about these small creatures would be their knowledge of instant messaging. Yes, demons IM Daniel throughout the entire movie, taunting and teasing him constantly. Perhaps one might even consider them an internet troll instead of a demon?

Yep, the Blood Gnomes are online again.

And, like I mentioned before, this movie is filled to the brim with bondage and boobies! Big boobies, small boobies, bloody boobies: this movie has them all.

If you crave bloody breasts, demons who IM, and crappy acting, then I would highly recommend watching Blood Gnome.

To watch the trailer, click here