The Haunted Casino, directed by Charles Band, was dreadful.

Image from imdb.com.

 

This atrocious film begins when Matthew inherits his uncle’s rundown casino. (Little does he know, though, this casino is haunted by five mediocre ghosts.) These ghosts, ranging from gangsters to card dealers, begin pulling Matthew and his irritating friends into rigged games of Black Jack and Roulette. Will they win and walk away free, or will they lose their lives over a card game?

Oh, and there is another plot about finding hidden silver, which would really help Matthew and his girlfriend, JJ, fix up the casino. (Seriously? Am I watching The Goonies?)

All of the characters were extremely unlikeable:

  • Matthew (Scott Whyte): Depressed inheritor of the casino; constantly shushed by his annoying girlfriend, JJ.
  • JJ (Robin Sydney): Matthew’s annoying and overly optimistic girlfriend; never wants to discuss finances or real-life.
  • Paige (Kristyn Green)*: Blonde model; screamer.
  • Emily (Lily Rains)*: Number-crunching lesbian; card sharp.
  • Jimbo (Wes Armstrong)*: Unimportant character; lost his arm in a Black Jack game.
  • Skeeter (Kavan Reece)*: Bad boy; wants the dead Roulette girl.

*I don’t know if I have these character names correct, seeing as they weren’t incredibly important.

And the ghosts, woah, are laughable! The murderous Roulette man transforms into a giant cookie with piercing red eyes, while the cookie-loving Black Jack man turns into a huge-headed knight. These ghosts weren’t terrifying – they were terrible!

In the end, everyone except Matthew and JJ perish. Instead of shedding tears, though, they walk over their friend’s lifeless bodies towards the silver they found, and begin discussing how they are going to fix up the casino…that attempted to kill them! (Are you kidding me?!)

Overall, The Haunted Casino is not worth your time – skip it, and watch something else.

To watch the trailer, click here

If you aren’t squeamish, why not watch the NEW trailer for The Human Centipede III: Final Sequence, a horror film directed, written, produced, and starring Tom Six?

Bill Boss (Dieter Laser), according to the trailer, can’t control his prisoners, so Dwight Butler (Laurence R. Harvey), his right-hand man, calls in Six, “creator of [the Human Centipede] films” to create a solution.

Their solution: create a “prison human centipede.”

If the prisoners are transformed into a centipede, there will be “no more prison fights” and “no more assaults on guards.” Besides, these prisoners, crawling on their hands and knees and attached to one another’s anuses, will have to respect Bill Boss.

The Human Centipede III: Final Sequence seems to be “exactly what America needs.”

Will YOU be seeing The Human Centipede III: Final Sequence, or are you too squeamish?

Clowns, with their over-sized shoes, bulbous noses, and layers upon layers of make-up, frighten me…and after watching the trailer for Fear Itself, an upcoming horror movie directed by Aaron Mirtes, I truly believe Ribcage the Clown and his blood-red balloons might scare me shitless.

Fear Itself revolves around Emma, a college student, who must come face-to-face with her worst nightmare when a psychotic clown begins terrorizing her small town.

For more information about Fear Itself and to help fund their Kickstarter, click here.

To follow them on Twitter, click here.

The Mole Man of Belmont Avenue, a mediocre film directed by Mike Bradecich and John LaFlamboy, revolves around two bumbling (and idiotic) brothers who must fight a carnivorous mole-like creature lurking in the basement of their run-down apartment complex.

Let me introduce our unlikely heroes: Marion (Mike Bradecich) and Jarmon (John LaFlamboy) Mugg, two lousy apartment landlords who worship alcohol and allow their building to deteriorate…until they stumble upon the mole-man.

That, my friends, is when shit gets real.

The two brothers put down their whiskey bottle, board up the vents, attend a training course, and purchase deadly shovels in order to protect their tenants from becoming the creature’s next meal. Will they defeat the mole-man, or die humorously trying?

To be honest, I only watched The Mole Man of Belmont Avenue because Robert Englund was in it – he, a marvelous actor, played a devilishly suave “horny bastard.” His character, proficient in dirty-talk and stashing pornographic magazines, was hilarious, and I was disappointed that he didn’t have more screen-time!

But then the humor vanished whenever the Mugg brothers appeared on-screen; continuous slapstick, pot references, and swearing can’t be considered hysterical. (Perhaps try for some actual jokes?!)

I truly disliked this film because it dragged on and on and on and on…I smiled with delight once it ended, and whooped with glee because I had made it out alive after watching this unfunny film.

Their one redeeming quality: a catchy and upbeat song – you can listen to it here.

If you want to waste 90 minutes of your life, then watch The Mole Man of Belmont Avenue – it’s an unfunny movie filled with bumbling morons, pot, porn, and disappearing pets and tenants.

To watch the trailer, click here.

I was disappointed with Starry Eyes, a horror movie directed by Kevin Kolsch and Dennis Widmeyer.

According to IMDB.com, this movie was supposed to revolve around “a hopeful young starlet [who] uncovers the ominous origins of the Hollywood elite and enters into a deadly agreement in exchange for fame and fortune.”

Instead of this plot, though, I received a film eerily similar to Contracted, directed by Eric England.

Let’s compare the two movies, shall we?

Starry Eyes (2014)

Contracted (2013)

Sarah (Alex Essoe) is a waitress

Samantha (Najarra Townsend) is a waitress
Sarah has unprotected sex, and rots Samantha has unprotected sex, and rots
Sarah hovers over the toilet (vomiting), loses one fingernail, and vomits maggots

Samantha hovers over the toilet (vomiting), loses fingernails, and maggots fall from her vagina

 

I only see two differences between Starry Eyes and Contracted:

  1. Unlike Sarah, whose “rotting” sequence wasn’t horribly gory, Samantha experiences more horrible changes: losing large quantities of blood, yanking out her teeth, and watching her eyes become bloodshot and cloudy. (Frankly, if Sarah threw on some Carmex, make-up, and a wig, she’d look fine.)
  2. Unlike Samantha, who rotted away because she had unprotected sex with a man who had hooked up with a bio-hazardous corpse, Sarah rotted away because she became involved with a strange cult.

Here is another problem with Starry Eyes: they NEVER explained Astraeus Pictures, the cult. What was their origin? Who do they worship? Who was all involved? (I mean, a few close-ups of pentagrams didn’t explain anything; it just left me asking more questions.)

Oh, and the ending was horrible! One minute, Sarah doesn’t have the strength or energy to crawl across the floor because she is in so much pain, but the next moment, she has the ability to sprint to her friend’s house to kill them by knifing them and bashing their face in with weights. (Where did Sarah receive this incredible strength?!)

A positive in Starry Eyes? The soundtrack.

Overall, I truly disliked this unoriginal film.

To watch the trailer, click here.

How would you feel if a loved one, perhaps your daughter, caught a deadly virus and, in a matter of weeks, transformed into a ravenous zombie? What would you do? This is exactly what is running through Wade’s (Arnold Schwarzenegger) mind as his daughter, Maggie (Abigail Breslin), begins her “zombification” in Maggie, an upcoming horror movie directed by Henry Hobson.

Can Maggie be cured? Can she be saved? (I know that Wade won’t kill his own daughter, seeing as he promised her mother to always protect her.) But with Maggie’s aggression and hunger levels rising, what can he do?

Maggie looks fantastic; the actors were well-chosen, and the preview’s music gave me chills. I cannot wait until this movie comes to theaters!

Before I Wake, an upcoming horror movie directed by Mike Flanagan, will be released on May 8th, 2015.

According to IMDB.com, this film will revolve around “a young couple [who] adopt an orphaned child whose dreams – and nightmares – manifest psychically as he sleeps.”

Starring: Kate Bosworth, Annabeth Gish, Thomas Jane & Jacob Tremblay.

As a child, I feared something might be lurking under my bed, ready to latch its hairy claw around my tiny ankle and drag me away into the darkness. With this memory in mind, I decided to watch Under the Bed, directed by Steven C. Miller, because I hoped it would play upon my childhood fears.

Boy…was I wrong.

Instead of coming face-to-face with a fearsome creature, Neal (Jonny Weston) and Paulie (Gattlin Griffin), brothers, battle a man in a demon costume living under their bed. (The costume, crafted from rubber, doesn’t represent nightmares – frankly, it looks cheap and idiotic.)

I understand the “monster” lives under the bed, might spawn from Hell, and has a strange obsession with Neal. What I don’t know, and want to know, is:

  1. Why does the creature want Neal? If it is hungry, why not eat Paulie?
  2. Is the creature hungry, blood-thirsty, or does it want to simply converse with the boys?
  3. How did it find itself living under Neal’s bed? (Did it wander in or fill out an application?)
  4. What the hell is it? (A demon? A monster? The brother of the creature from Pan’s Labyrinth?)

And, if the creature has the potential to rip-off heads in a single motion and burn flesh from bones, why does it resort to simple hand-to-hand combat with Neal at the end?! Isn’t that rather pointless?! (I mean, Mr. Creature, you’ve been following Neal for TWO YEARS – just eat him already!)

Also, I truly believe the director or writer watched Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone before writing the ending to Under the Bed. The reason? Both movies showcase deceased mothers fighting evil for their children. Harry Potter has motherly love within, and with it, can burn Voldemort’s face; however, Neal must rely upon his mother’s ashes to melt the creature, I guess? (That is another question I want answered: how exactly can ashes destroy the creature?)

Under the Bed oozes with awkwardness – and, most of the time, the awkwardness heightens when Cara (Kelcie Stranahan), Neal’s next-door neighbor, arrives on-screen. I understand the director wished to create a love story between two teenagers; however, it never blossomed, so why not simply delete those weird scenes?!

Besides, Cara is a heartless bitch – her two brothers are slaughtered right in front of her face by an unknown creature, and she doesn’t even bat an eye or shed a tear. Really?! (She seems to be the real monster – a heartless, emotionless monster!)

Overall, I commend Under the Bed’s creativity and ideas – however, it is full of unanswered questions, a man in a latex suit, and an unnecessary, and heartless, character. If those problems were fixed, Under the Bed, directed by Steven C. Miller, could be labeled a decent horror film.

To watch the trailer, click here

A murdered husband, a missing son, dozens of secrets, and time travelers await you in La casa del fin los tiempos, or The House at the End of Time, a Venezuelan horror movie directed by Alejandro Hidalgo.

In 1981, Dulce (Ruddy Rodriguez) is found drenched in her husband’s blood, and Leopoldo (Rosmel Bustamante), her son, is missing. Confused and heartbroken, Dulce is convicted, spending thirty years in a decrepit jail cell until she is placed under house-arrest in her old home. She is plagued by memories and regrets until a local priest (Guillermo Garcia) visits. With his help, Dulce will attempt to unravel the mystery of what happened thirty years ago.

Old Dulce was my favorite character – she was sweet, motherly, and honest. Sure, Young Dulce was motherly, but she didn’t possess the wisdom or practicality that Old Dulce possessed. (And, in my opinion, Young Dulce was annoying.) I understand why Leopoldo would want to spend more time with Old Dulce; her love, after seeing her son after thirty years, was overflowing, and their embraces were the sweetest mother-son hugs ever.

Old Dulce was able to interact with the past (Young Leopoldo, Young Dulce, Juan Jose) and the future (Old Leopoldo) because of her house’s magical ability to transport people through time. Yet I would have enjoyed if the director had focused upon explaining, in further detail, why the house has the ability to time-travel. One of the characters briefly mentioned something about Masons and an entire family disappearing – but then, nothing more.

La casa del fin los tiempos is an emotional film – especially, I think, for mothers. Dulce, for years, grieves for Rodrigo (Hector Cubero), her youngest son, and dwells upon Leopoldo’s disappearance. These scenarios are a mother’s worst nightmare; Dulce’s memories tug on the heartstrings, and leave not a dry eye while watching this film.

Pearls, beautiful drops of the moon, are a continuous theme in La casa del fin los tiempos. When a pearl is presented, I believe the characters realize that no matter what, love will never falter. (For instance, Dulce presents Leopoldo with a pearl; throughout the film, her love only grows stronger, and she never stops searching for him.)

Overall, La casa del fin los tiempos, or The House at the End of Time, was a heart-wrenching horror film; I enjoyed it.

To watch the trailer, click here

An unusual and deadly alphabet (filled with killer grandfathers, mutated badgers, and courtroom zombies) await you in ABCs of Death 2.

I never want to come face-to-face with a badger after watching “B is for Badger,” directed by Julian Gilbey. Peter, a mean-spirited wildlife documentarist, failed to complete his research, seeing as the snarling, hungry badgers were waiting for him while he shot his film. After being ripped apart, Peter was able to end his documentary with one simple word: “Cut.”

Robert Morgan (creator of “The Cat with Hands”), a brilliant animator, submitted, “D is for Deloused.” It is a strange, yet delightful stop-motion tale featuring a giant insect, several decapitated heads, and one creepy-ass teddy-bear creature.

In “M is for Masticate,” directed by Robert Boocheck, one man, clad only in pee-stained underwear, becomes a flesh-eating zombie after using bath salts. This film is a slow-motion adventure…until he begins gorily gnawing a man’s neck. (And I loved the man’s bad-ass contacts; I want them!)

The worst short, in my opinion, was “P is for P-P-P-P-Scary,” directed by Todd Rohal. Three speech-impaired criminals, one dancing man, numerous matches, and one messed-up infant does not represent horror at all.

Other shorts I didn’t care for include: “E is for Equilibrium,” “F is for Falling,” “L is for Legacy,” “O is for Ochlocracy,” “Q is for Questionnaire,” and “V is for Vacation.”

The last few letters, though, redeemed ABCs of Death 2. For instance, “X is for Xylophone,” directed by Julien Maury and Alexandre Bustillo, was incredibly unsettling. This tale focuses upon a grandmother who kills her young granddaughter for loudly playing a small xylophone. The grandmother, covered in blood and gore, uses her granddaughter’s (leg?) bone and small ribcage to play music. It terrified me.

And “Z is for Zygote,” directed by Chris Nash, was horrifyingly disturbing! A woman doesn’t want her infant to be born until her husband returns – so she keeps it inside of her for THIRTEEN years! The cramped child eventually kills the mother by pushing out all of her organs and things…and it was VERY gross! Ugh!

Overall, ABCs of Death 2 was, uh, annoying, bizarre, confusing, and disturbing.

To watch the trailer, click here.