Shark Week (2012) Film Review

Posted: December 12, 2014 in Horrendous Horror Movies
Tags: , , ,

Swim far away from Shark Week, directed by Christopher Ray.

“Sharks are life…they’re gods.”

 

Shark Week, unfortunately, revolves around a psychotic drug trafficker with an unhealthy fetish for sharks; his deranged girlfriend; and eight unlucky, and unmemorable, characters who must battle poorly-animated sharks.

These sharks range from bloodthirsty pups (that tear someone apart in a small pool), one horrible hammerhead, one ravenous tiger shark, and one ever-growing great white. (The great white constantly changes size until it finally ends up being a ginormous creature that is killed with one miniscule knife.)

How does one avoid sharks? You stay out of the water, something these eight unmemorable characters DO NOT do. Instead, they willingly sit in a tiny lifeboat and row out into international waters to fight a great white.

The eight unmemorable characters are given no backstory, and I, if I listened carefully, caught only some names and a few of their professions. (Shark Week, I guess, was attempting a Saw-theme where all characters are somehow connected, and must piece the puzzle together themselves. No urgency, though, is drawn to their connection to psycho’s son…so in the end, it doesn’t really matter.)

While the eight unmemorable people are battling sharks, Mr. Psycho and his eye-twitching girlfriend, who live in a gigantic mansion, only lurk in a small bedroom that contains one small chair, one sofa, and three tiny laptops. (If this man is SO rich, why couldn’t he afford a big-screen television or fancier computer monitors to watch everything on whilst sipping shark blood?)

And somehow Mr. Psycho was able to install a PA system and security cameras all over the island that no one ever sees or smacks into. (At times, the cameras are RIGHT in a person’s face – how can they NOT have seen the security camera?!)

Other Flaws:

  • How can every character emerge from the pristine water after fighting “deadly” sharks completely DRY?
  • While tiptoeing past landmines, one character accidentally stepped on one, and it took FOREVER for everyone to figure out what to do to save him. But, when Mr. Psycho’s girlfriend steps on one, she blows up in mere seconds. Uh…why?
  • Sharks don’t roar; why did we need a roar?
  • The character originally holding the knife was killed by a shark WHILST holding said knife. How, exactly, did another character locate the knife to kill the great white?
  • Why the constant “experimental” scenes of people walking?

Do not watch Shark Week. I repeat, do not watch Shark Week.

To watch the trailer, click here

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