Where do I even begin when reviewing The Cloth, a horrendously horrible film directed by Justin Price?

This movie follows Jason (Kyler Willett), a bitter man, who, for some odd reason, joins the Cloth, which is a secret organization dedicated to battling demons. Over the course of seven days, they must defeat possessed individuals, and try to save the world from becoming Beelzebub’s personal playground.

Do not watch this movie; I repeat, do not watch this film.

Let us begin with the first issue: the Cloth. This secret organization contains only two members: Jason, the godless man, and Father Dikeman (Lassiter Holmes). Now, if I ran a secret organization, I would definitely recruit more people, and I would want members who are dedicated to our cause. Yet, for some reason, this organization only hired one priest and a self-centered jerk. Yep, this sounds like the perfect duo to save the world from a bunch of demons.

Oh wait, I forgot to mention two more unimportant members: Laurel (Perla Rodriquez), the soft-spoken historian, and Helix (Cameron White), the weapon guy. Laurel, I guess, was only added because she served as a “love interest” character. Yet this storyline wasn’t exactly developed. Why would she want him anyway? I thought she was devoted solely to God, not her own desires.

And then we have the idiotic Helix, who doesn’t actually accomplish anything or help out in dire situations. For instance, when Laurel is kidnapped, Helix doesn’t even help her! When Jason arrives, hours later, Helix nonchalantly states, “Laurel is gone.” Umm…your friend was just kidnapped; couldn’t you at least show some sense of danger or something? Helix is an absolutely worthless character!

The second issue was The Cloth’s camera shots. Most of the time, the camera was positioned too low, so many characters are missing their foreheads. Oh, and every single action shot is way too blurry; it is extremely poor quality. I could have created better videos with my iPhone.

The third issue begins when Jason, after Laurel is kidnapped, drives to a priest’s (Eric Roberts) house and punches him. It’s a 3-minute scene that is definitely not needed. I mean, Jason should have been taking that time to find and save Laurel, but no, he decided that punching an unimportant priest was more beneficial. Way to go, idiot.

At the end, after defeating an extremely easily killed demon, Helix, Jason, and Laurel exit the cave while laughing and cracking jokes. Are you kidding me? For seven days, demons were possessing people, and the Cloth, instead of exorcising these innocent people, blew them up with holy bombs and special bullets. Countless individuals have been murdered, their souls taken, yet Jason and Laurel only want to find a place to get their groove on. Oh, and Laurel, only minutes before, had been possessed. Shouldn’t she be hugging her cross and praising the Lord? I hate these characters.

Do you know what the best part of The Cloth was? Some of the dialogue. My favorite line was uttered by Helix when he said, “Somebody slap me with the Devil’s nut sack.” It is also hilarious when Jason says to Helix, “You know you missed everything, right?” Kudos, I guess, to Price for writing a few brilliant lines of dialogue.

Overall, The Cloth is a terrible movie; the demons aren’t scary, the camera angles suck, and the acting is horrendous. Like Jason said, “God don’t like ugly,” which is why God, and everyone else, wouldn’t like this movie.

To watch the trailer, click here.

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